Sippican Cottage

Babble Of The Bends. Bateau Of The Blands. Baffle Of The Blends. Whatever

Bird Dog at Maggie’s Farm sent me a video of Lez Zeppelin.He heard them play live at his friend’s birthday party. He was smitten, or smote, or amused or something.

Of course, Bird Dog has learned many times that it’s dangerous to tell me something interesting, because it’s sure to immediately remind me of four things that are not interesting. This is not one of those times.

It’s time for a good old Battle of the Bands. We must determine what the finest substitute for Led Zeppelin might be. It is especially important to find a fine substitute for Led Zeppelin, because Led Zeppelin isn’t any good, and never was. If we don’t find an amusing substitute for them, we’re stuck listening to them.

Ladies and gentlepeople. Contestant One. Lez Zeppelin!

Pretty fair there. Not bad. A little too masculine for the subject material. I like my hard rock bands on the fruity side. They could all beat up Jimmy Page on his best day.

Next; Contestant Two. Legion of Rock Stars!

Now we’re getting somewhere. That brings something to the cover band table. It steals the salt shakers and half the silverware, and puts all the extra rolls in its pockets before it leaves, but while it’s there, it brings it. The trumpet is a nice touch. It insists upon itself. 

We’re going international now. The big guns. Contestant Number 3. Leningrad Cowboys!

Sublime. Sub-everything, now that I think of it. Cooler than a banker’s palm. Hotter than a babysitter. Dressed sharper than an Italian on payday. Gonna be hard to beat.

But I think Contestant 4 can do it. Ladies, Gentlemen, and everyone that uses the third bathroom at the commie bookstore in Portland, I give you Dread Zeppelin!

An Elvis impersonator in a reggae band doing Zeppelin covers. Admit it, you don’t hate them because they’re beautiful, you only hate them because you didn’t think of it first.

Well, let’s hear it in the comments, people. Who’s the greatest substitute for Led Zeppelin? Whoever wins, we’ve all already won, as we avoided listening to the subject material — actual Led Zeppelin music — which is uniformly dreadful.

So Vote! But remember: No wagering.

Fairly Deep. Thanks For Asking

The Legion of Rock Stars totally rock. OK; if not totally, then they at least rock in large part. 60/40, minimum. They are the greatest thing since sliced running bread and water. They transport me to another dimension. The Fifth Dimension is already taken, so it must be like, say, the seventh or eight dimension. It’s, like, the dimension around back, near the dumpster and the stack of milk crates. The LRS were put on this planet by a higher power to point to the place on the doll where the Bee Gees touched us all. And YouTube is free, which makes the whole shebang a bargain.

Make It Fonky!

I mos def must be the funky! I desire to shake my grooved thang higher! I must melt the hot stax of wax in my ears, and take off to an astral plain! We will, we will, biological clock you in the face! Raise the roofie on the sucker! It’s a crisco inferno! Burn your mother’s down!

(Legion of Rock Stars)

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! Let’s put hope in your soul finger! And ebony and Merchant Ivory soap in your hole! Maceo, take me to the bridge of sighs! I wanna take your squier! Good God alrighty! They’re gonna spank that plank like a rented joule! So high, I can’t get over Stitt. So wide, you can’t have it your way, have it your way! Make it fonky!

(Andy Rehfeldt)

Tag: Legion of Rock Stars

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