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A Man Who Has Nothing In Particular To Recommend Him Discusses All Sorts of Subjects at Random as Though He Knew Everything

Babble Of The Bends. Bateau Of The Blands. Baffle Of The Blends. Whatever

Bird Dog at Maggie’s Farm sent me a video of Lez Zeppelin.He heard them play live at his friend’s birthday party. He was smitten, or smote, or amused or something.

Of course, Bird Dog has learned many times that it’s dangerous to tell me something interesting, because it’s sure to immediately remind me of four things that are not interesting. This is not one of those times.

It’s time for a good old Battle of the Bands. We must determine what the finest substitute for Led Zeppelin might be. It is especially important to find a fine substitute for Led Zeppelin, because Led Zeppelin isn’t any good, and never was. If we don’t find an amusing substitute for them, we’re stuck listening to them.

Ladies and gentlepeople. Contestant One. Lez Zeppelin!

Pretty fair there. Not bad. A little too masculine for the subject material. I like my hard rock bands on the fruity side. They could all beat up Jimmy Page on his best day.

Next; Contestant Two. Legion of Rock Stars!

Now we’re getting somewhere. That brings something to the cover band table. It steals the salt shakers and half the silverware, and puts all the extra rolls in its pockets before it leaves, but while it’s there, it brings it. The trumpet is a nice touch. It insists upon itself. 

We’re going international now. The big guns. Contestant Number 3. Leningrad Cowboys!

Sublime. Sub-everything, now that I think of it. Cooler than a banker’s palm. Hotter than a babysitter. Dressed sharper than an Italian on payday. Gonna be hard to beat.

But I think Contestant 4 can do it. Ladies, Gentlemen, and everyone that uses the third bathroom at the commie bookstore in Portland, I give you Dread Zeppelin!

An Elvis impersonator in a reggae band doing Zeppelin covers. Admit it, you don’t hate them because they’re beautiful, you only hate them because you didn’t think of it first.

Well, let’s hear it in the comments, people. Who’s the greatest substitute for Led Zeppelin? Whoever wins, we’ve all already won, as we avoided listening to the subject material — actual Led Zeppelin music — which is uniformly dreadful.

So Vote! But remember: No wagering.

17 Responses

  1. "Ladies, Gentlemen, and everyone that uses the third bathroom at the commie bookstore in Portland…"

    Most writers would just call it a day, a good day, after writing that one.

  2. Gerard!

    I would have saved that for next week's "Permutations of Bachman-Turner Overweight I Have Known" contest.

  3. This is a tough one. I mean just the name Lez Zeppelin alone give them a lot of Band Battle cred. Plus the guitarist ain't half bad – not great, but not bad. And they actually sound a little like Led Zeppelin which is a plus.

    Legion of Rock Stars was just plain awful – they lose for being really horrible – not to mention the trumpet which was just plain stupid.

    Oh my favorite all time odd ball cover bands the Leningrad Cowboys with the Red Army Choir – oh my, this is a tough call for me. Sadly, I've got to down check their effort because they under use the Choir which is a shame. For comparison on how to use the Red Army Choir with the Leningrad Cowboys, I offer this:

    Dred Zeppelin – I'm sorry, campy is fine, goofy is always good, kooky, nutty, screwy, stupid, and/or wacky are always interesting, but when you combine all – well, it becomes a train wreck and I hate train wrecks. Not real train wrecks mind you – real train wrecks are way cool in particular if explosions are involved. I wish there was an explosion here just to eliminate their very presence from my psyche.

    So it comes down to Lez Zeppelin and Leningrad Cowboys/Red Army Choir. As much as it pains me to say it, Lez Zeppelin wins the prize in my mind.

    I really hated to say that.

  4. Leslie can bet. Everyone else is SOL.

    Hi Tom- Thanks for reading and commenting.

    The Legion of Rock Stars put on goggles and noise-canceling earphones, and then, pretty much deaf and blind, they try as hard as they can to play whatever song they're trying to butcher.

    It's an art-college-grade gag, but I love it.

  5. Let's get back to what's important.

    I've got a 200 year old house that needs new windows: 6 over 6 double hung sashes.
    Any Ideas?

  6. Ah – well that explains everything. I'm not up on gag groups.

    Although I must say that I am a fan of atonal jazz and after listening to a couple of minutes, they ain't that bad.

  7. There's a third One? Damn! Nobody told me; guess my in-crowd card was revolted, or revoked, or sumpin.

    Liked Lez Z. LRS, well they just didn't like to get started. For me, never did. DZ works fer me. Wonder how good the reception is on the guitar with the antennae? Sounds adequate to me.

    I'ma goin for the Cowboys.

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