An Immodest Proposal

I’m not generally known as a shy person. That might be because I’m not generally known, period. But I doubt it. Whether the general public is aware of it or not, I have a lot of opinions, and many unwavering principles. And if you don’t like my unwavering principles, I assure you I have others. I’ve become especially famous (snicker) for railing against a lot of modern architectural, construction, and decoration practices. I’ve chronicled enough demonstrations of my put-up-or-shut-up responses to prevailing building practices to earn a little credibility, if not affection. I’ve got black thumbnails to balance out some of the opinions formed in my black heart.

But today I’m going to up the ante. I’m going to roll all my cranky opinions into a tarball, and use it to not only make the average American homeowner happier, I’m going to save their miserable lives by the thousand. You heard me right.

I have an Immodest Proposal. Nothing major, I just want to outlaw the following things:

• Vinyl siding
• Open floor plans
• OSB plywood
• Composite flooring
• Spray foam insulation
• PVC insulation
• Plastic furniture
• Quartz and Corian (synthetic) countertops
• Live Laugh Love signs
• Raccoon-eyed harridans on Home and Garden shows

Of course our federal government is quite nimble and responsive, so I’m sure ironclad bans on all these items will be in place shortly after I propose them, which is right now.

Why do I want to ban these things? Mostly because they’re all hideous. But partly because they kill people. You know, the ones they don’t just cripple, sicken, or annoy you when you’re stuck in a waiting room and the girl-boss du jour is flipping a house on the TV bolted to the wall. In 2023, there were 1,504,500 house fires reported in the US of A. These caused 4,371 deaths, and 13,250 injuries. A home-fire-related death occurs every 3 hours or so.

Now, if we got rid off all the stuff in my Immodest Proposal, we’d be back to building and maintaining our houses more or less the way we did 75 to 100 years ago. I’ve always thought that was a great idea. Houses used to have soul. Architectural anima. Style. Comfort. Whatsis. They also didn’t used to burn like a pile of oily rags at the drop of a smoldering hat, while outgassing fumes that would make a North Korean chemical weapons maker blush. Let’s compare the modern approach to home construction and renovation with the old-fashioned way, shall we? Let’s ask Chad and see if he agrees with me that the old ways are the best ways:

• • Modern homes present greater toxic risks in the event of a fire due to the high content of synthetic materials such as vinyl siding, open-cell foam insulation, and plastics. These materials release highly toxic gases like HCN (hydrogen cyanide), HCl (hydrochloric acid), and CO, making the fire not only a dangerous source of heat but also a source of lethal toxic exposure to both residents and firefighters.
  • Wood-frame houses from 1900, while still dangerous in terms of carbon monoxide and smoke inhalation, generally present less toxic risks due to the absence of synthetic materials. The slower spread of fire and less toxic smoke make firefighting efforts more manageable, though wood can still cause serious respiratory problems in the event of a fire.

In essence, a modern home fire is far more toxic and rapidly lethal due to the materials used in construction, while a wood-frame house fire is more controllable and less toxic overall

What’s my beef with OSB (oriented strand board)? The plywood it replaced was infinitely superior.

• • OSB Sheathing burns faster, spreads fire more rapidly, and produces more toxic smoke due to the presence of synthetic resins. While it has gained popularity in modern construction due to its lower cost, it presents higher fire risks and toxic exposure when exposed to flame.
  • Plywood Sheathing from the early 1900s offers better fire resistance, slower flame spread, and less toxic smoke compared to OSB. It has a more durable structure under heat and maintains its integrity for a longer time in a fire.

While neither material is fireproof, plywood generally provides better fire resistance and survival time during a fire, whereas OSB tends to contribute to faster fire spread and more toxic byproducts, especially in modern homes.

What’s my cavil with synthetic countertops? You know, besides the fact their prices are an obscenity.

The primary concern with synthetic countertops when they burn is the release of toxic chemicals into the air, which can be dangerous to breathe:

• • Formaldehyde: A carcinogenic gas that is often present in melamine and phenolic resins, commonly found in laminate countertops.
  • Styrene: A toxic compound released from certain acrylic-based countertops (like Corian). It’s harmful to the respiratory system and can cause irritation and damage to the liver, kidneys, and central nervous system.
  • Carbon Monoxide: A dangerous, colorless, and odorless gas that is produced when many synthetic materials burn. It interferes with oxygen delivery to the body’s tissues and can be fatal in high concentrations.
  • Hydrogen Cyanide: This highly toxic gas can be produced when some synthetic polymers (e.g., certain plastics) burn. It can cause respiratory failure and death at high concentrations.

People think quartz is indestructible for some reason, but it’s not. It’s about 10 percent synthetic goo. You can scorch it at temperatures as low as 150F to 200F. I drink coffee hotter than that. And if it catches on fire, look out. There’s that HCN (hydrogen cyanide) again. Remember, another name for hydrogen cyanide is prussic acid, a favorite plot device back in the day for poisoning people and getting Scotland Yard or Sherlock Holmes interested in your funeral. HCN has another name that might ring a bell: Zyklon B. You know, you could spend a little less and get real stone (inert and non-combustible) counters, and skip the chance of making a do-it-yourself Bergen-Belsen in your kitchen.

Let’s also keep in mind that speed kills, as they say. Fires are no exception. Fire departments have learned how bad and how fast house fires get out of control, and they wisely mostly mill about on your lawn in order to save the basement, instead of charging in to save you and your goldfish if they can avoid it. Let’s compare how fast you’re going to slip this mortal coil in a modern house, compared to an older house, when someone falls asleep on your couch with their medical marijuana doobie dropped down the cushion.

Time to lethal: 3-5 minutes in a modern house. Not good. If you have 10-15 minutes’ grace like you would in an old house, you might even have enough time to save all your children, instead of only the ones who eat their vegetables, and maybe even clear your browser history, you naughty boy.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Those last two items on my list (Live Laugh Love signs and raccoon-eyed harridans on Home&Garden shows) seem a mite crankier than the others. But really, they’re not. Since people assume that things are always going forward, and getting better, and safer, they might make the mistake of assuming that fire deaths must be constantly going down. Well, they were, a lot, from 1970 to about 2010. But now they ain’t. From 2013 to 2022, the fire death rate per million USians increased by 22%.That’s a bad trend. I can think of another trend that started in 2013. Let’s ask Chad again:

Fixer Upper originally aired on HGTV from May 2013 to April 2018, spanning five seasons. The show became incredibly popular for its mix of home renovation, design inspiration, and Chip and Joanna’s charming chemistry.

Chad does get confused sometimes. He mentions “charming chemistry.” I’ve never heard Zyklon B referred to like that before. But let’s let him keep running with the ball:

The Role of Media and Home Renovation Trends

Media, like cable shows, showing house flippers removing interior walls or using cheaper, more flammable materials can contribute indirectly to the fire risk. The trend toward “open concept” homes in these renovations often leads to larger, more continuous spaces without fire breaks, which makes it easier for a fire to spread and harder for occupants to escape.

Additionally, flipping houses for resale can result in cost-cutting measures, such as using less fire-resistant materials, which increases the flammability of the structure.

Hmm. The trend line even dipped when Fixer Upper ended on its fifth season. Q.E.D., I’d say.

You can start planning my monument now. I prefer granite, but marble will do.