Traveling Again
Well, I’m traveling again. I’m not sure what fresh observations I can bring to the table about the process of going hither and yon and to and fro and above and beyond. I’m afraid my missives will quickly devolve into a rejected Seinfeld script about little packages of peanuts and fights for primacy over the arms of aircraft seats. Besides, they give you crackers, not peanuts now.
But perhaps my lack of experience in the current landscape of travel might be of some use to my readers. I have fresh, bloodshot eyes to observe the cartage scene. I gather the average person travels all the time, so none of this is new to them. I can certainly assure you that the below average person is currently clogging up the airports as well. So maybe I’ll just try to notice things that others take for granted at this point, and by holding a mirror up to the proceedings, illuminate them somewhat.
In the Portland, Maine airport, I’d be at a loss to describe the polity on the whole, other than to say everyone looks like a Kliban person to me. The Washington DC airport doubled down on the effect. Houston wasn’t much better.
It’s not that most people aren’t particularly attractive. I’m most people, so I can deal with that. It’s that everyone tries to look as unattractive as possible. Violently unattractive. I’ve never concatenated those two words before, but nothing else will do: people are currently violently unattractive, and deliberately so. It’s not just their trappings, their weedwhacked bedhead hairdos, their DigSafe tattoos, or the Marley’s chains they’ve added to their faces. Their mannerisms are, too. No one looks or acts in any way that would put another person at ease around them. It’s useful to reflect that organizing your appearance and behavior to put others at ease is a pretty good definition of what a lady or a gentlemen is. That brand of human has been hunted to extinction in US airports.
So instead, we get human dirigibles, manatees in yoga pants, and whole families from suburban goy shtetls cultivating hobo chic like the lotus blossoms they consume. I gather there’s a pirate website or ten somewhere that sells bogus “service dog” sweaters to all comers, because a hearty helping of the passengers had every manner of rat dog and poochie alike kitted out in one, all acting completely unable to service themselves, never mind their owners. There were many other such dodges on display. A substantial minority of passengers have discovered that if you ask for a wheelchair, you’re squired around the airport by your own personal coolie and allowed to board the plane first. It’s impossible to see that many gimps suddenly get up and walk outside of Lourdes.
It boggles my tiny little mind how much money you must have to spend to look this bad. There was one guy that made quite an impression on me. He was wearing the kind of flip flop sandals I remember on girls in grammar school back in the day, wrap around mirrored sunglasses that looked like skiing goggles for a pro wrestler, a Cat in the Hat chapeau, with dreadlocks peeking out over his pasty forehead, and doing justice to their name. The rest of his ensemble was a mishmash of the kinds of garments used to climb Everest on a hot day, designed for, marketed to, and worn by people who only climb out of bed after 1 PM. The overall effect was a North Face Imhotep, or maybe an Oakley Tutankhamen. The unsittable chairs attracted ad hoc nursing homes like algae blooms, gathering and dispersing on some unseen tide of departures and arrivals.
The physical structure of the airports was totally modern, in every sense of the word. I’m not sure exactly whose idea it was to declare that a complete lack of any kind of style should be considered a style in itself, but I’d be willing to help knock together a gallows for him if you can find him. Nothing in an airport reflects or supports the humanity that passes through it. Acres of carpet spread out underfoot, looking like a malfunctioning fax machine’s idea of a test pattern. It has a riot of uninformative information on the walls, and plenty of advertising for things like our Imhotep’s sunglasses, but nothing to set you at ease in any way. It looks like a mental hospital hallway with more Coke machines. The whole megillah was capped off with a continuous stream of the singsong Urdu of distorted, unintelligible arrival and departure announcements launched into a ten-dollar microphone clutched like a rapper’s first performance.
I spent an hour staring at a trash bin. It was bisected into regular trash, and recyclables. No signage is allowed to have regular English text on it any more, so you discerned the difference between the two sides using only hieroglyphics. So if you had a fish head with a spine attached, or a loaded diaper, or some candy, or an apple core, or several other items that added up to the worst meal ever eaten, you chucked them in the left one. The right one had childish icons for cans and bottles. It makes sense. Both the airplane seats and the trash in the airport are sorted to determine if they can get an extra nickel out of you.
But I survived, of course, like Ishmael, to tell the tale. The epidemic of female docents flying miltary helicopters into airliners has abated. The crackers and Sprite didn’t kill me. The, ahem, service dogs didn’t bite me. So I have no real complaints. But I did notice one thing in America’s airports that was such a fundamental change that it kind of shocked me. Not one, single, solitary human being in three airports and on three very large airplanes, out of thousands of people, was reading a book of any kind. Not even carrying one. Well, you know, except me and my wife.
I’ve been informed that the last person to leave civilization is supposed to turn out the lights on the way out the door. We’re currently searching for the switch.
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