The Original Show About Nothing: Jeeves and Wooster

Of course it’s a misattribution or malapropism or maladroit miscommunication or some other whatsis to refer to Seinfeld as The Show About Nothing. That whole idea is an in-joke that got embedded deeply into the meta information of the show itself. The sitcom was based on the idea of demonstrating how comedians found their material in ordinary life, and then showcasing them (Seinfeld) delivering that material in its finished form.

But still. The joke stuck, and became a metonym for the whole enterprise. It kinda works, because by design, no one on the show learns anything from their misadventures, never grows up, never matures. They never alter their behavior after learning any lessons delivered from their trip through their pampered version of the school of hard knocks. Their woes are trivial. While hundreds of people pass through their warped little world, the principals (and their principles) don’t change one whit.

By those standards, it is a show about nothing, but it’s not the first. P.G.Wodehouse wrote the first show about nothing I know about, even though it wasn’t a show when he thought it up. It was a series of published stories. Jeeves and Wooster adumbrated the show about nothing.

If you’re not familiar with the stories, Bertie Wooster is a somewhat dimwitted wastrel semi-aristocrat flouncing around London and various posh country estates in Great Britain between the two wars. Jeeves is his wise and hyper-competent manservant. This kind of turnabout is common now, but it was fresh when Wodehouse started it. Wodehouse began contemporaneously with the subject matter, but he somehow kept it going until 1974, through 35 short stories and 11 novels. Bertie never learns anything, Jeeves never forgets anything, they never get any older, time never passes, and nothing much happens throughout the whole enchilada. It’s still funny, and always will be, because Wodehouse was a funny writer.

There have been various attempts to dramatize Jeeves and Wooster over the years, including radio programs, stage plays, and TV shows. The best known is probably Jeeves and Wooster from ITV back in 1990. It still holds up pretty well. You can find all of them on YorubaTube if you poke around. Here’s the entire first episode:

There is a problem, although it’s something of a quibble. Wodehouse is not well-suited for dramatization. Hugh Laurie, who plays Wooster in the last clip, had this to say about Pelham Grenville:

The facts in this case, ladies and gentlemen, are simple. The first thing you should know, and probably the last, too, is that PG Wodehouse is still the funniest writer ever to have put words on paper. Fact number two: with the Jeeves stories, Wodehouse created the best of the best.

He’s wrong about some of that, but that’s not the problem I’m describing. Mark Twain is the funniest writer ever to put words on paper, with daylight second. However, both Twain’s stories and Wodehouse’s tales of misbegotten engagements, drunken layabout lords, and theiaphobia have the same drawback when viewed as dramaturgy. It’s the way the stories are told that’s humorous. Both authors have a masterful technique of making written works that are funny to read. While the situations they describe can vary from mundane to ridiculous, the action is in the delivery of the language. The stuff that happens might be comic, but the words make it hilarious.

Here’s two examples I’ve included in an old essay called The Dirty Dozen Best First Lines in Literature. First, P.G.:

Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty hangdog look which announces that an Englishman is about to talk French.
Pelham Grenville Wodehouse — The Luck of the Bodkins

Then Twain:

This last summer, when I was on my way back to Vienna from the Appetite-Cure in the mountains, I fell over a cliff in the twilight, and broke some arms and legs and one thing or another, and by good luck was found by some peasants who had lost an ass, and they carried me to the nearest habitation, which was one of those large, low, thatch-roofed farm-houses, with apartments in the garret for the family, and a cunning little porch under the deep gable decorated with boxes of bright colored flowers and cats; on the ground floor a large and light sitting-room, separated from the milch-cattle apartment by a partition; and in the front yard rose stately and fine the wealth and pride of the house, the manure-pile.
Christian Science — Mark Twain

Timing is just about everything when you’re trying to say something funny. Neither of those examples is a “joke.” Both writers hated jokes, although they used them to good effect by telling terrific jokes after first describing them as bad jokes, and kind of apologizing for them. For example, Bertie hears someone describing seeing Garrick playing Hamlet at the Odeon, (I’m doing this from memory, the details might be slightly different) and asks, “Who won?”, while no one laughs.

The timing in either of those opening lines is the key. You’re strung along, trying to keep up, and amused along the way by the tortured language and the occasional, offhand-sounding chuckler, then hit with the crusher at the end. They’re both great at it, The best ever, that I’ve ever seen, in print.

But bad books generally make the best movies. Twain’s characters have been portrayed plenty of times in movies and on TV, to poor effect. Huckleberry Finn is the Ur-Novel in American letters, but the story alone is not that interesting without the lively text. And while Jeeves and Wooster is about as good as cable TV shows get, it never achieves the drollery and amusement of P.G.’s writing.

My point is kind of borne out by the way the Jeeves and Wooster series was developed. Like most good British TV, there were only a few seasons with a handful of episodes each season. They still had trouble filling the hours. They mashed handfuls of stories together to pass the time, and then started making up dreadful ideas of their own, like putting Jeeves in drag. They discovered pretty quickly that there was a set of encyclopedias-worth of funny text, but only a handful of funny, televisable things in the stories.

Perhaps one of the reasons why Jeeves and Wooster still holds up is that the paradox of the helpless aristocrat and the competent, long-suffering servant is only half the paradox. It works just as well reversed, because Jeeves, while a servant, personifies rock-ribbed traditional, conservative Great Britain. He reads Spinoza in his room on his day off. But ultimately, he’s not in charge. Bertie may be a member of the upper crust, but he’s always ready to try every passing fad in amusements and clothing. He’s a kind of imbecilic gadfly. He never reads anything but a menu or a racing form, but somehow his class of nitwits are ostensibly in charge of an empire.

Neither Bertie or Jeeves has much of anything to do with the working class. Regular workers barely even enter the stories as props. It’s a struggle between two factions over who will set an example for the rest of the kingdom. In the episode above, Bertie tells Jeeves that he’s not the sort of man who becomes a slave to his valet. It’s amusing to watch him do it anyway, in a show about nothing.

An Immodest Proposal

I’m not generally known as a shy person. That might be because I’m not generally known, period. But I doubt it. Whether the general public is aware of it or not, I have a lot of opinions, and many unwavering principles. And if you don’t like my unwavering principles, I assure you I have others. I’ve become especially famous (snicker) for railing against a lot of modern architectural, construction, and decoration practices. I’ve chronicled enough demonstrations of my put-up-or-shut-up responses to prevailing building practices to earn a little credibility, if not affection. I’ve got black thumbnails to balance out some of the opinions formed in my black heart.

But today I’m going to up the ante. I’m going to roll all my cranky opinions into a tarball, and use it to not only make the average American homeowner happier, I’m going to save their miserable lives by the thousand. You heard me right.

I have an Immodest Proposal. Nothing major, I just want to outlaw the following things:

  • Vinyl siding
  • Open floor plans
  • OSB plywood
  • Composite flooring
  • Spray foam insulation
  • PVC insulation
  • Plastic furniture
  • Quartz and Corian (synthetic) countertops
  • Live Laugh Love signs
  • Raccoon-eyed harridans on Home and Garden shows

Of course our federal government is quite nimble and responsive, so I’m sure ironclad bans on all these items will be in place shortly after I propose them, which is right now.

Why do I want to ban these things? Mostly because they’re all hideous. But partly because they kill people. You know, the ones they don’t just cripple, sicken, or annoy you when you’re stuck in a waiting room and the girl-boss du jour is flipping a house on the TV bolted to the wall. In 2023, there were 1,504,500 house fires reported in the US of A. These caused 4,371 deaths, and 13,250 injuries. A home-fire-related death occurs every 3 hours or so.

Now, if we got rid off all the stuff in my Immodest Proposal, we’d be back to building and maintaining our houses more or less the way we did 75 to 100 years ago. I’ve always thought that was a great idea. Houses used to have soul. Architectural anima. Style. Comfort. Whatsis. They also didn’t used to burn like a pile of oily rags at the drop of a smoldering hat, while outgassing fumes that would make a North Korean chemical weapons maker blush. Let’s compare the modern approach to home construction and renovation with the old-fashioned way, shall we? Let’s ask Chad and see if he agrees with me that the old ways are the best ways:

    • Modern homes present greater toxic risks in the event of a fire due to the high content of synthetic materials such as vinyl siding, open-cell foam insulation, and plastics. These materials release highly toxic gases like HCN (hydrogen cyanide), HCl (hydrochloric acid), and CO, making the fire not only a dangerous source of heat but also a source of lethal toxic exposure to both residents and firefighters.
    • Wood-frame houses from 1900, while still dangerous in terms of carbon monoxide and smoke inhalation, generally present less toxic risks due to the absence of synthetic materials. The slower spread of fire and less toxic smoke make firefighting efforts more manageable, though wood can still cause serious respiratory problems in the event of a fire.

In essence, a modern home fire is far more toxic and rapidly lethal due to the materials used in construction, while a wood-frame house fire is more controllable and less toxic overall

What’s my beef with OSB (oriented strand board)? The plywood it replaced was infinitely superior.

    • OSB Sheathing burns faster, spreads fire more rapidly, and produces more toxic smoke due to the presence of synthetic resins. While it has gained popularity in modern construction due to its lower cost, it presents higher fire risks and toxic exposure when exposed to flame.
    • Plywood Sheathing from the early 1900s offers better fire resistance, slower flame spread, and less toxic smoke compared to OSB. It has a more durable structure under heat and maintains its integrity for a longer time in a fire.

While neither material is fireproof, plywood generally provides better fire resistance and survival time during a fire, whereas OSB tends to contribute to faster fire spread and more toxic byproducts, especially in modern homes.

What’s my cavil with synthetic countertops? You know, besides the fact their prices are an obscenity.

The primary concern with synthetic countertops when they burn is the release of toxic chemicals into the air, which can be dangerous to breathe:

    • Formaldehyde: A carcinogenic gas that is often present in melamine and phenolic resins, commonly found in laminate countertops.
    • Styrene: A toxic compound released from certain acrylic-based countertops (like Corian). It’s harmful to the respiratory system and can cause irritation and damage to the liver, kidneys, and central nervous system.
    • Carbon Monoxide: A dangerous, colorless, and odorless gas that is produced when many synthetic materials burn. It interferes with oxygen delivery to the body’s tissues and can be fatal in high concentrations.
    • Hydrogen Cyanide: This highly toxic gas can be produced when some synthetic polymers (e.g., certain plastics) burn. It can cause respiratory failure and death at high concentrations.

People think quartz is indestructible for some reason, but it’s not. It’s about 10 percent synthetic goo. You can scorch it at temperatures as low as 150F to 200F. I drink coffee hotter than that. And if it catches on fire, look out. There’s that HCN (hydrogen cyanide) again. Remember, another name for hydrogen cyanide is prussic acid, a favorite plot device back in the day for poisoning people and getting Scotland Yard or Sherlock Holmes interested in your funeral. HCN has another name that might ring a bell: Zyklon B. You know, you could spend a little less and get real stone (inert and non-combustible) counters, and skip the chance of making a do-it-yourself Bergen-Belsen in your kitchen.

Let’s also keep in mind that speed kills, as they say. Fires are no exception. Fire departments have learned how bad and how fast house fires get out of control, and they wisely mostly mill about on your lawn in order to save the basement, instead of charging in to save you and your goldfish if they can avoid it. Let’s compare how fast you’re going to slip this mortal coil in a modern house, compared to an older house, when someone falls asleep on your couch with their medical marijuana doobie dropped down the cushion.

Time to lethal: 3-5 minutes in a modern house. Not good. If you have 10-15 minutes’ grace like you would in an old house, you might even have enough time to save all your children, instead of only the ones who eat their vegetables, and maybe even clear your browser history, you naughty boy.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Those last two items on my list (Live Laugh Love signs and raccoon-eyed harridans on Home&Garden shows) seem a mite crankier than the others. But really, they’re not. Since people assume that things are always going forward, and getting better, and safer, they might make the mistake of assuming that fire deaths must be constantly going down. Well, they were, a lot, from 1970 to about 2010. But now they ain’t. From 2013 to 2022, the fire death rate per million USians increased by 22%.That’s a bad trend. I can think of another trend that started in 2013. Let’s ask Chad again:

Fixer Upper originally aired on HGTV from May 2013 to April 2018, spanning five seasons. The show became incredibly popular for its mix of home renovation, design inspiration, and Chip and Joanna’s charming chemistry.

Chad does get confused sometimes. He mentions “charming chemistry.” I’ve never heard Zyklon B referred to like that before. But let’s let him keep running with the ball:

The Role of Media and Home Renovation Trends

Media, like cable shows, showing house flippers removing interior walls or using cheaper, more flammable materials can contribute indirectly to the fire risk. The trend toward “open concept” homes in these renovations often leads to larger, more continuous spaces without fire breaks, which makes it easier for a fire to spread and harder for occupants to escape.

Additionally, flipping houses for resale can result in cost-cutting measures, such as using less fire-resistant materials, which increases the flammability of the structure.

Hmm. The trend line even dipped when Fixer Upper ended on its fifth season. Q.E.D., I’d say.

You can start planning my monument now. I prefer granite, but marble will do.

And the Dream of What Love Could Be

I recently sold a house. In order to fully participate in the bizarre scrum that selling a house currently entails, I had to sign up for things like Zillow and Redfin and related stuff. Of course signing up for anything online these days is like going for a refreshing dip in a leper colony hot tub. You may get what you want, but you will get lots of other stuff. Every online thing is a daisy chain of opaque creepy businesses glomming on to your attention, and selling bits of it hither and yon.

So the house is sold, and it takes a while to unsubscribe to everything. The glitchiness of everything doesn’t help. I’m still getting monthly reports for some poor soul’s house who lived a couple of miles from me. You can’t unsubscribe from something you don’t have the credentials for. I could turn the chore into a full time job for myself for a short but enraging time, but I can’t be bothered.

So I still get these roundup email blasts from one or another of the real estate pixel pigpiles. They’re ostensibly supposed to send me listings I’d be interested in, but mixed in are sub rosa pitches for teevee shows I wouldn’t watch if I had a gun to my head, unless they let me finger the trigger myself. The other day, this jumped out of the browser and yelled BOO:

Join the club, pal, and I haven’t even seen the house. Do you people have any idea how crazy you look? How motherloving, Playdoh-eating, window-licking, batshit loony you’ve become?

This blog is not a public service. I am not going to find out what this program is about, or who these people are. I’ve read a lot of books over the years, including lots of fat, dusty ones about Greek and Roman gods, and Egyptian mummies and so forth. And it’s been a while, but I seem to recall that if you utter the incantation Shekinah Garner Sarper Guven three times during some sort of solstice, demons will be raised from the dead to walk the earth and steal naughty children, or sell worms to fisherman from their torso or something.

Wait, that can’t be right. Look at the picture. There must be some other incantation abroad in the land, because they’re the demons that got summoned, if you go by their appearance. I have no idea what the woman in the picture with the rubber raft for a face used to look like, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell me, but she must have once at least looked like a human being. If she was a leper, she’d look more human than she does now.

I doubt she looked like Donna Douglas when she started, but even if she did, I’m sure she wouldn’t run away when they took out the hyaluronic acid needle. She’d tell them to go back and get bigger needles, and more of ’em.

But of course I’m a soft touch. I want Shinola, er, Shadoobie, um, Shazaam or whatever her name is to be happy. That’s why I’d never mention to the young lady (she may be young, even though she wants to look like an old lady that wants to look young) that after catching a glimpse of  Saruman, er, Soapsuds, um, Scooby-Doo, or whatever his name is, before I could slam the laptop shut and plunge it into a bucket of water, that she reminds me of teen girls who had a crush on George Michael back in the day. I also never mentioned anything about Liberace to my grandmother, who died happier for my circumspection, I’m sure.

Look out, Shimmie Shimmie Coco Pop, er, Charlemagne, um, Shickelgruber, or whatever your boggle-loving mom named you. I fear you’re in for a rude, two-earring, puffed-puce-silk-pocket square, bugeyed, Freda Payne awakening.

But that night on our honeymoon
We stayed in separate rooms

Whatever girls are in charge of blasting out that email come-on for that cable show aren’t doing the cause any favors by using Photoshop to turn the weird up to eleven. Eyes have capillaries in them, yo. Best to leave them there, a bit. Use a thirty gallon drum of electronic Visine, and you end up with this:

I wait in the darkness of my lonely room
Filled with sadness, filled with gloom
Hoping soon
That you’ll walk back through that door
And love me like you tried before

To almost quote Yagoda, er, Yakov, um, Yoda: Try? There is no try, only do!

But even if I’m off the mark here, and this is true love, if you climb on top of most anything and it sounds like you’re hiking yourself onto a pool floatie, it’s bound to put any guy off his game. And the dream of what love could be.

Pure Pop for Then People

That’s the Young Rascals on the Ed Sullivan Show in 1967. They were a blast.

They mostly get lumped in the “Blue-eyed Soul” category. That’s semi-amusing, because with one exception, they’re goombahs with olive oil voices and guinea charm, and definitely sans blue eyes.

Ed Sullivan featured scads of interesting music on his shows over the years, usually before they’d become well-known. He was famous for introducing Elvis and the Beatles to mass audiences, but if you look over the rosters of his show, you’ll find dozens of acts like the Young Rascals that got notable for the first time by appearing on his stage.

Ed was the coolest square that ever lived. He was a popular sportswriter in New York, and eventually sidled over to doing reviews of Broadway shows and a smattering of gossip. That was enough to get him a gig on the early days of teevee. He started broadcasting in 1948, when very few people even had a teevee, and he lasted until 1971, setting a record for the longest run of a variety show in history.

Ed’s great gift, if you want to call it that, was encapsulated by comedian Alan King: “Ed does nothing, but he does it better than anyone else in television.” And the Young Rascals proved Fred Allen’s quip, that “Ed Sullivan will last, as long as other people have talent.” They did, and he did.

We’ll Make Our Own Fun. Sorta

That’s amusing, isn’t it? The AI script kiddies are getting better by leaps and bounds. They’re making short glosses on their favorite dreck right now. It’s only a matter of time before they can produce the whole thing, instead of just coming attractions.

Of course animation entertainment is about a century old at this point. It’s easy to forget just how popular Disney’s animated features were back in the 1950s, for example. Disney animated movies were the highest grossing films in 1950, 1953, and 1955. Their live action stuff, which were as phantasmagorical as the cartoons, came in first, second, or third a few times, too.

The Jetsons was just a futuristic version of the Flintstones. Cartoons like that are beloved by people who watched them as re-runs in their childhood, but if you look at them again without your nostalgia glasses on, they’re pretty weak sauce. Cartoons suffered badly from the shift to assembly line work from the original artist’s easel quality.

So where will the AI revolution end up? Pretty soon, people with next to no computer skills and precious little artistic ability and writers with an inability to spell the word “lose” are going to be able to make a whole movie on their desktop computer. And they probably will. And it will be just like this video. A derivative of a derivative of a derivative. But then again, have you seen the latest Spiderman movie? No, not that one. The other one. No, the other, other one. No, not that one either. You’re thinking of the other, other, other Batman movie…

Painting Your Own Personal Solipsistine Chapel

Solipsism is a term that gets thrown around a lot on these here intertunnels. Almost exclusively, it’s used to describe extreme egocentrism. Self-absorption. Narcissism. Okey dokey, nothing wrong with that. But solipsism is also a related philosophical idea. It’s not satisfied with being interested only in yourself. It posits that it’s not possible to be sure of anything but what goes on in your own mind. Therefore, the real world, and other people, might not even exist.

Solipsism as a philosophical concept is often added to Descartes resume. Rene Descartes was a drunken fart, I drink therefore I am.  I’m not a big fan of thought experiments that only sound trenchant after four bong hits, so I’ve mostly given that line of intellectual country a wide berth. Wondering if you’re the only person on earth, or in the universe for that matter, isn’t likely to yield useful answers.

I remember some species of science teacher in high school who was infatuated with the idea that you don’t really sit on a chair. His idea was that the atoms in your arse are repelled by the atoms in the chair, so you’re really floating in an infinitesimal slice of mid-air. I was loath to tell him that his conjecture was oh so very interesting, but the principle wouldn’t matter much if I hit him with the chair, which I felt like doing. I didn’t mention it then, but I am now.

Still, solipsism as a mode of thought is beginning to acquire a life of its own. Most people are assembling, on the fly, a simulacrum of a life on their little pocket pandoras, and interacting with other fake lives while they do it. Now that robots have entered the chat, the fakeness is dialed up to 11.

Yesterday, I wanted to find out if a mesh wifi extender had an onboard ethernet plug, and if so, how to set it up without using a moronic phone app. It was deuced difficult to find the info I was looking for. I ended up on the Orinoco Erzatz Goods Emporium, and saw a  bunch of video reviews of the device I’d settled on. I turned one on. It was the saddest sort of thing I could imagine. There was a slovenly dude looking into a laptop camera in a widowless room, acting as if he was hosting his own TV show. It had credits. It had an opening musical fanfare. The guy did nothing but read what was on the box.

I was watching a personality cult of one. And he didn’t have any personality. And everyone’s like him now. Way back when dinosaurs ruled the earth and we had teevee but no internet, any time a teevee camera was pointed at anyone, anywhere, people would crowd around and try to get in the frame, and act goofy to be memorable. To be on teevee, even by accident, was the most notable accomplishment they could aspire to. They’d rush home and call everyone they knew and tell them they’d be on the evening news, even if they were just mugging behind some caution tape in the background of a car crash segment.

Of course this is all old news to you veteran internauts. But watching a few moments of this fellow, I remember where I saw the phenomenon explained best, long before social media turned everyone into a deranged talk show host without an audience:

Be careful, people, It’s a short trip from Cosmo Kramer to Rupert Pupkin:


Then again, when Rupert got out of prison, he got his own show on teevee. Most YouTub video producers would take that deal. So maybe a Rene Descartes cardboard cutout isn’t the right guy to interview in your basement. Up next, after these messages from our associates accounts, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe!

The Most Famouse Singer You Never Heard Of

No, intertunnel wags, that’s not a typo. I’m referring to Gloria Wood, the most famous singer no one’s ever heard of. Deuced difficult to find a picture of her, which also indicates her relative obscurity. Here she be:

Now, I could shoot fish in a barrel and list plenty of singers and other performers who were a big deal in their day, but are obscure today. Honestly, is their any difference between Leif Garrett and Bobby Sherman? And are you sure you could pick Bobby Sherman out of a lineup if David Cassidy and Bobby Goldsboro were in it, too? If you can, wait thirty years, and you’ll be the last person who can. Time passes, and everything and everybody, no matter how notable they might get, fades into obscurity, or gets blended into a recollective blur:

But I’m going to roll out Medford, Massachusetts’ own Gloria Wood, and even people born in George Bush’s second term will know who I mean, even if they never heard her name. Because Gloria Wood was the voice of Minnie Mouse. Oh, yes, and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, at least on records. She was all sorts of voices, singing and speaking, on radio, television, and movies. She’s singing something in almost every Disney thang from back when they  still used ink and paper and talent to make their cartoons.

If you’re a little older, you might remember this, because they’re no way you can’t. Jingles do that to you, man, at least if they hire Gloria Wood:

That’s just a notable commercial. Between the years 1955 and 1958, she sang on 2,000 more. Gloria Wood has been in your ear more often than your pinkie, I tell you what. And while this is way before my time, if you’re old enough to move to Florida and wear white shoes, a white belt, and white pants hiked up to your armpits, and drive 15 miles an hour on the freeway, you might remember this:

She was a hired gun in numerous chorus jobs, too. I mean, someone has to sing one word over and over. Might as well be someone talented:

If you watch White Christmas at Christmas, because you’re brave, and not afraid the Technicolor will drill your rods and cones into the back of your skull, you can watch Vera-Ellen sing and dance with Danny Kaye, Bing Crosby, and George Clooney’s aunt. Or not. Vera-Ellen’s skills were limited to hyphenation, prancing around, and looking like an anorexic with fetal alcohol syndrome working the Maybelline counter at the department store. Gloria Wood did all her singing.

Gloria’s dead and buried, now, in Glendale, California, but she’ll outlast “the UN,” I’ll bet, in people’s hearts, if not the mental phone books where we keep all the names.

A Voice That Is Dark Like Tinted Glass

Ah, British TV. Back when I was a kid it had all the good stuff. We watched whatever we could get. We watched Monty Python in black and white on PBS. Glued to the TV every week to see which queen was getting shortened a bit in The Six Wives of Henry the VIII, still unsurpassed for the Tudor topic. Who didn’t love the Carnaby Street psychedelia of The Prisoner? No one I know. Memorized Fawlty Towers, of course.

Much too young to see Honor Blackman in the leather jumpsuit, however. But somehow, we never felt we had missed out on anything. We wanted a girl with a mind like a diamond. We got one.

Interestingly, The Shatner Admirals Is the Name of My Herman’s Hermits Tribute Band. But I Digress

I’m a little late to this party, but I take things as I find them. I’m confused, however, how to “take” an Elvis impersonator who’s built an exact replica of all the original Star Trek teevee show sets in an abandoned dollar store in Ticonderoga, New York, and sort of inhabits them.

For all of you with, ahem, suspicious minds, I assure you I didn’t make this up:

James Cawley really liked Star Trek. Really really liked Star Trek. By the power of Landru and re-runs, (he’s younger than the show is), he was hooked on a show about bombing around the galaxy and groping green chicks, while listening to logical advice on why you shouldn’t, and doing it anyway. You know, because Shatner.

Cawley has built his own Desilu Xanadu, using mostly his own money, money earned as an Elvis impersonator.

Why would an Elvis impersonator build Star Trek sets? I dunno. You’re asking the wrong guy. I don’t know why an Elvis impersonator would do anything, including impersonating Elvis. I can’t visit that mindset without pharmaceutical help, and a fried banana and peanut butter sandwich. But Cawley knew what he was about. He wanted to make his own Star Trek episodes, and did it:

I suppose I could jest about it, but it does have a million views on YouTube. I was a little kid when Star Trek first came out, and I’m not sure a million people watched an episode back then. Everybody was watching Bewitched or something. Star Trek was “out there” in more ways than one, and not everyone wanted to see a doughy Canadian actor with a Christopher Walken delivery wrestle a guy in a dollar store tyrannosaurus Halloween costume over a patch of unpaved Burbank backlot. But give it its due: it spawned a zillion imitators.

However, sooner or later, the suits come for you. CBS/Paramount at one time looked the other way when people made fan-fiction type stuff, like Cawley’s bargain basement Enterprise enterprise, but eventually they cracked down on the whole scene. It wasn’t Cawley’s fault. He was doing it because he loved it. But others tried to make real coin with Star Trek homages, and they pissed in the whole Gene pool.

But the Elvis gene runs deep. The King don’t quit, until he makes it to the bathroom, anyway. Kirk has any number of Kobayashi Maru tricks up his sleeve. And Cawley is both of them, remember? He figured if he could make deals with Klingons on his show, he could certainly make deals with Gene Roddenberry’s copyright successors. So he did.

After a long lunch with more than a few Romulan Ales, no doubt, the salt vampires in the legal department at CBS/Paramount decided to let Cawley have his fun. In return for a cut of the action, I’m sure. Why not let Space Elvis Cawley give tours of the stomping grounds of Space Elvis Shatner? So they do. And now that real money is involved, real Shatners are involved, too.

It’s a Corbomite Maneuver for money for a lot of people now:

Hey, don’t sleep on Clint Howard, just because captain Kirk is holding court on the bridge with all the high rollers. Howard appeared on The Andy Griffith Show, Star Trek, and Seinfeld. Even Spock couldn’t compete with that, although inventing Uber and driving the Bangles to Liverpool was a strong career move, you have to admit.

Teevee and movies and other media masquerade as entertainment, but there’s a lot more going on there. Half-hour situation  comedies like Andy Griffith and Dick van Dyke are closer to Aesop’s Fables than jokes stapled onto depictions of quotidian life. They usually contain little parables, and become a form of guidance for the general audience. They normally contain a morality test of some sort over trivial affairs that the characters work their way through in 24 minutes or so. Homily-length redemption ensues with 6 minutes of soapsuds commercials mixed in. Women start dressing like Laura Petrie and men start acting like Rob Petrie even though they might not be aware they’re doing it. That’s why teevee got so destructive, as the ghouls who make the shows looked for new thrills to peddle. Gilligan found himself in desperate straits, but he didn’t start cooking meth in his hut to get by.

TV shows like Star Trek are a form of replacement for passion plays for a couple of generations who thought the Beach Boys were an improvement on Giuseppe Verdi, and Andy Griffith was John the Baptist. Real passion plays, or pageants (paging Cecil B. DeMille), were:

The Passion Play or Easter pageant is a dramatic presentation depicting the Passion of Jesus Christ: his trial, suffering and death. The viewing of and participation in Passion Plays is a traditional part of Lent in several Christian denominations, particularly in the Catholic and Evangelical traditions; as such Passion Plays are often ecumenical Christian productions.

Passion Plays have had a long and complex history involving faith and devotion, civic pageantry, religious and political censorship, large-scale revival and historical re-enactments.

In a very real way, the entertainment biz replaced all forms of religion in American life. Newspapers, a form of entertainment, killed the Catholic church dead, for instance. And remember, the government is just showbiz for ugly people. It wasn’t a unanimous move into another thing, of course. There’s some overlap, but there’s a definable Star Trek sect, with schismatics taking their hyperdrive schematics and forming a Star Wars splinter denomination. In old-fangled passion plays, Jesus has to work through some things in Gethsemane. If you boldly go where no man has gone before, you have to be tempted by a hot galactic strumpet with a bouffant and a Reynolds Wrap bikini before you get down to brass tacks and dilithium transubstantiation and kick some Klingon ass. But it’s all wrapped up in an hour, and everyone goes home blessed.

So I guess it’s not all that odd that a prophet in a spangled jumpsuit and pompadour would appear out of the wilderness of upstate New York to become the patriarch, an interstellar Billy Sunday, for the one true religion that America has produced: Elvis in Space.

Wait a minute; yes it is.

George Andy Taylor-Bailey

Sheriff Andy Taylor and George Bailey are the same person. Hear me out.

Both of these characters were an important archetype in the past. I’m too indolent to think up some more examples, and then defend the idea from all comers from all points of the internet compass, so let’s stick with those two. They’re the same sort of guy, and that same sort of guy is dead and buried now.

I’m too young to have experienced either George Bailey or Andy Taylor in real time. They’re re-runeriffic touchstones for most people who remember them at all. It’s a Wonderful Life is semi-ubiquitous nowadays, mostly because for a long time, its murky copyright made it a cheap filler for second-rate teevee stations that desperately needed holiday fodder. The movie was a dud when it was released. Lost a half a million bucks in the 1940s, when that kind of scratch was worth more than five F-150s. It’s got a 94% positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Either people used to be wrong, or they are now, take your pick. Or maybe it’s only a halfway-decent movie, and everyone is wrong. I dunno. Seems like a masterpiece of storytelling to me.

The Andy Griffith show ran for about ninety years and encompassed ninety-thousand episodes, if I recall correctly. It’s possible I don’t, but you get the idea. It was never a dud and entered a pantheon of teevee notoriety and perenially high ratings that included heavy hitters like I Am Fond of Lucille and Four Jews Yelling at Each Other in a New York Apartment. I don’t watch a lot of teevee, so I may be slightly off with those titles.

Now George Bailey was an upstate New York yankee, more or less, and sheriff Andy was an unapologetic southerner. On first glance, maybe the only link between the two might be Nick, the bartender at Martini’s, who served George Bailey and Clarence Oddbody a drink, and then went home and produced the Andy Griffith Show. But I swear they’re identical.

George Bailey is feted at the end of his long dark night of the soul as maybe the most well-liked, and more importantly, well-respected man in town. Andy Taylor doesn’t need a Bobby Gentry moment on a bridge to know the same thing. He’s the top dog in his town, although he prefers to slumber on the porch rather than chasing cars. Everyone knows it and defers to him. And both of these men get to their exalted perches by trying as best they can to ennoble and support the people around them, instead of trying to accumulate riches and favor and notoriety for themselves. They used to call it leading from behind, but I don’t know what they call it now.  I suppose it doesn’t matter what they call it, because it never happens anymore. Lately anyone claiming they’ve been leading from behind is just trying to claim credit for things they had little to do with. When a wallet full of credit is just lying there on the modern sidewalk, you pick it up and use it. You don’t go looking for the man who dropped it.

Picture if you will the average Ted Talk startup company a-hole delivering his slide-deck reason why they’re God’s older brother. TV preachers live in palaces that would make a pope blush, and put their name on top of the marquee, and in tiny little letters at the bottom write: also starring: Jesus. The founders of the largest corporations in the world say I, I, I more times in an hour than the Frito Bandito did in his whole career. The patron saint of these repellent people is Steve Jobs. He made Ebeneezer Scrooge look like Kris Kringle, screaming about removing inconsequential screws from his pocket Pandora’s Box to his minions. They only put up with it because they hope they might be able to be that big a jerk to somebody else someday. Maybe move up a slot on the totem pole of bile that is modern American corporate commerce.

Andy’s best friend is Barney Fife. Barney is an ugly, cowardly doofus with delusions of grandeur. Andy understands that at bottom, however, Barney is a good guy, and he gently reins him in when he gets out of hand. There’s an episode where Barney accidentally apprehends a dangerous criminal by simply being clumsy and tripping him up. Barney is instantly respected for the feat, such as it was, and bragging about his exploit, because that’s his nature. Hell, that’s human nature. Andy lets him drone on about his triumph, and is genuinely happy for Barney. He avoids questioning him too closely, because while he has his doubts, he knows Barney feels better about himself and he doesn’t want to spoil it for him.

The criminal vows revenge on Barney, and then escapes. Andy does what he always does. He’s all aw-shucks and folksy, but when real danger appears, he pulls a shotgun off the wall and hangs a holster over his shoulder and gets after it. He’s soft on the outside, avuncular, patient, and reasonable, but there’s a hint of iron in the backbone. Barney is visibly terrified. Andy tells him that it’s OK if he doesn’t want to go. Barney chokes back his fear, and agrees to go out and look for the miscreant, but that’s mostly because he knows Andy will take care of him. Eventually Andy figures out where the crook is, says nothing, and posts Barney there. He waits outside, hidden but ready to save Barney if he botches the job. Barney basically repeats his performance and through clumsiness gets the better of the bad guy. He’s a hero again, and never knows why.

George Bailey doesn’t participate in a charming ceremony to put the Martini family in their new home for an Instagram moment that will improve his search engine rankings. He didn’t fund the loan for the house thinking he could foreclose on it if there was postage due on a single payment when the cost of a stamp went up. He did what he did, because that’s what he does. He’s constantly bailing out his forgetful uncle Billy in the same way Andy does for Barney.

It’s telling that both men pull in the finest women in their respective towns. They’re not rich or notable in conventional ways, but Miss Crump isn’t going to settle for a tryst with Howard Sprague. You can tell Donna Reed is suitable only for the best man in town, because in a world without George, she becomes a spinster. Without George, there can’t be a best man in town. A rising tide lifts all boats, and he’s the tide. Woe betide us all when the tide goes out.

But go out it did. We live in Pottersville now, lock stock and barrel. The Bailey Savings and Loan went under after George put the Keating Five on the board of directors. We stopped reading Tom Sawyer, and Clarence Oddbody lost interest. Ellie Walker moved to Pottersville from Mayberry and became a stripper with ZuZu the petal dancer in one of Potter’s dive bars after Andy married Miss Crump.

But I assure you those silent men working behind the curtain of normal, decent, American life used to exist. I know it, because even though George Bailey and Andy Taylor were just characters on a screen, my father and my wife’s father weren’t.

Tag: television

Find Stuff:

Archives