I Want The Old Testament

I WISH IT WOULD rain. No. Sleet. Sleet would finish the scene nicely. Rain is God’s mop. It washes away the dirt and corruption. I’ve got no use for snow, either; the fat flakes are too jolly. Snow makes a fire hydrant into a wedding cake. I want sleet.
I’d rather pull my collar up and hunch my shoulders as if blows from an unseen and merciless boxer were raining down on me. I don’t want a Christmas card. I want the Old Testament.
Old or new – I knew it. Father and mother would open the Bible to a random page and place an unseeing finger anywhere and use it for their answer to whatever question was at hand. They’d torture the found scripture to fit the problem a lot, but it was uncanny how often that old musty book would burp out something at least fit for a double-take. But any Ouija board does that, doesn’t it?
It was just cold and bracing. No sleet. I didn’t need to be clear-minded right now. Paul’s tip of the hat to the season, a sort of syphilitic looking tree, hung over your head as you entered the bar like it was Damocle’s birthday, not the Redeemer’s. It was kinda funny to see it out there, because inside it was always the same day and always the same time. Open is a time.
People yield without thinking in these situations. It had been years since I had found anyone sitting on that stool, my place. It was just understood, like the needle in the compass always pointing the same way for everyone. Paul never even greeted me anymore, just put it wordlessly down in front of me as I hit the seat. Some men understand other men.
It was already kind of late. My foreman said for all he cared, I could bang on those machines until Satan showed up in the Ice Capades, but I didn’t feel like working on Christmas Eve until the clock struck midnight. That’s a bad time to be alone and sober.
“I’m closing early tonight,” Paul said, and he didn’t go back to his paper or his taps. He just stood there eying me. I took the drink.
“You’ve made a mess of this, Paul,” I stammered out, coughing a bit, “What the hell is this?”
“It’s ginger ale. You’re coming with me tonight.”
I could see it all rolled out in front of me. Pity. Kindness. Friendship.
“No.” I rose to leave.
“You’ll come, or you’ll never darken the doorstep here again.”
Now a man finds himself in these spots from time to time. There are altogether too many kind souls in the world. They think they understand you. They want to help you. But what Paul will never understand is that he was helping me by taking my money and filling the glass and minding his own. It was the only help there was. A man standing in the broken shards of his life doesn’t have any use for people picking up each piece and wondering aloud if this bit wasn’t so bad. They never understand that the whole thing was worth something once but the pieces are nothing and you can never reassemble them again into anything.
I went. Worse than I imagined, really. Wife. Kids. Home. Happy. I sat in the corner chair, rock-hard sober, and then masticated like a farm animal at the table.
Paul was smarter, perhaps, than I gave him credit for. He said nothing to me, or about me. His children nattered and his wife placed the food in front of me and they talked of everything and nothing as if I wasn’t there – no, as if I had always been there. As if the man with every bit of his life written right on his face had always sat in that seat.
I wasn’t prepared for it when he took out the Bible. Is he a madman like my own father was? It’s too much. The children sat by the tree, and he opened the Bible and placed his finger in there. I wanted to run screaming into the street. I wanted to murder them all and wait for the police. I wanted to lay down on the carpet and die.
“Ye are the salt of the earth; but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? It is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men. Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick, and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”
He put the children to bed, to dream of the morning. His wife kissed him, said only “good night” to me, and went upstairs. We sat for a long moment by the fire, the soft gentle sucking sound of the logs being consumed audible now that the children were gone. The fire was reflected in the ornaments on the tree. The mantel clock banged through the seconds.
“Do you want something?” he asked.
“Ginger ale.”

(From my collection of flash fiction, The Devil’s In The Cows. Merry Christmas to all that visit here, and all that don’t]

Good People All, This Christmas Time

The Wexford Carol is a traditional Celtic Christmas thingie. Somewhat obscure, I guess. It’s old, but no one knows exactly how old. The musical director and organist at St. Aidan’s Cathedral in Wexford, Ireland wrote it down after hearing a local singer belting it out. It found a place in The Oxford Book of Carols in 1928, but it might be four or five hundred years older than that.

It’s got lyrics, but God knows what the original lyrics might have been. Things passed down orally through centuries have a tendency to pick up modifications like a ship picks up barnacles. Here are some of the verses:

Good people all, this Christmas time,
Consider well and bear in mind
What our good God for us has done
In sending His beloved Son
With Mary holy we should pray,
To God with love this Christmas Day
In Bethlehem upon that morn,
There was a blessed Messiah born.

The night before that happy tide,
The noble virgin and her guide
Were long time seeking up and down
To find a lodging in the town.
But mark how all things came to pass
From every door repelled, alas,
As was foretold, their refuge all
Was but a humble ox’s stall.

Wikipedia has some Irish lyrics. I put them into a translation thingie. Here’s what came out:

Oh, come all and pray
The child is lying in the cradle
Remember the love of the King
Who gave us salvation tonight the Naí.
And Mary Mother in God’s Paradise,
For Eve’s poor children, pray now tenderly,
The door of the aperture is never closed
May you worship Mac Mhuire Ogh from now on.

In east Bethlehem in the middle of the night’
The good news was heard for shepherds,
Clearly for life from the sky sweetly
Angels were singing from tip to tip.
“Move alive,” said the Angel of God,
“Go to Bethlehem and you will find Him
Don’t lie peacefully in a manger of grass,
He is the Messiah who loved life

The Irish have been confusing and confounding the English since about 1100 AD. Maybe they should have stayed home. I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that they confuse an English translation machine, too, although that eighth line, that bids the listener to worship Fred MacMurray for some reason, might have taken it a step too far.

In any case, Nollaig Shona Daoibh to all my readers, and all the ships at sea!

A Future Payroll Town

You can listen to the boys’ whole Christmas album by pressing the play button. You can cycle through the songs with the fast forward and rewind buttons. Look out. Silent night will bring a tear to your eye, unless there’s something wrong with you. There’s a lot wrong with me, but even so, I could weep thinking of time passing by, and children disappearing into the calendar.

Feeling Vaguely Like Christmas

But only vaguely.

Robert Palmer won’t be down for breakfast anymore, so Bill Nighy picks up the slack a bit.

Kids just wanna have fun, too.

Even my kids do.

So, Feliz Navidad, and próspero año y felicidad  to everyone everywhere, and all the ships at sea.

Merry Christmas, Baby

The Heir, the Spare, and Mrs. King and I would like to wish all our friends on the Intertunnel a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Because I don’t really know you, I’d be more than willing to testify that you’re all the nicest people in the world. It’s only fair. You don’t really know us, but you’ve mistaken us for interesting people. I hope this makes us even. I am beset by doubts on that score. I have a hunch that the Sippican family is making out on the deal somehow. After all, I’m certain we’re not interesting. You might be nice.

I Want The Old Testament

I WISH IT WOULD rain. No. Sleet. Sleet would finish the scene nicely. Rain is God’s mop. It washes away the dirt and corruption. I’ve got no use for snow, either; the fat flakes are too jolly. Snow makes a fire hydrant into a wedding cake. I want sleet.
    I’d rather pull my collar up and hunch my shoulders as if blows from an unseen and merciless boxer were raining down on me. I don’t want a Christmas card. I want the Old Testament.
    Old or new – I knew it. Father and mother would open the Bible to a random page and place an unseeing finger anywhere and use it for their answer to whatever question was at hand. They’d torture the found scripture to fit the problem a lot, but it was uncanny how often that old musty book would burp out something at least fit for a double-take. But any Ouija board does that, doesn’t it?
    It was just cold and bracing. No sleet. I didn’t need to be clear-minded right now. Paul’s tip of the hat to the season, a sort of syphilitic looking tree, hung over your head as you entered the bar like it was Damocle’s birthday, not the Redeemer’s. It was kinda funny to see it out there, because inside it was always the same day and always the same time. Open is a time.
    People yield without thinking in these situations. It had been years since I had found anyone sitting on that stool, my place. It was just understood, like the needle in the compass always pointing the same way for everyone. Paul never even greeted me anymore, just put it wordlessly down in front of me as I hit the seat. Some men understand other men.
    It was already kind of late. My foreman said for all he cared, I could bang on those machines until Satan showed up in the Ice Capades, but I didn’t feel like working on Christmas Eve until the clock struck midnight. That’s a bad time to be alone and sober.
    “I’m closing early tonight,” Paul said, and he didn’t go back to his paper or his taps. He just stood there eying me. I took the drink.
    “You’ve made a mess of this, Paul,” I stammered out, coughing a bit, “What the hell is this?”
    “It’s ginger ale. You’re coming with me tonight.”
    I could see it all rolled out in front of me. Pity. Kindness. Friendship.
    “No.” I rose to leave.
    “You’ll come, or you’ll never darken the doorstep here again.”
    Now a man finds himself in these spots from time to time. There are altogether too many kind souls in the world. They think they understand you. They want to help you. But what Paul will never understand is that he was helping me by taking my money and filling the glass and minding his own. It was the only help there was. A man standing in the broken shards of his life doesn’t have any use for people picking up each piece and wondering aloud if this bit wasn’t so bad. They never understand that the whole thing was worth something once but the pieces are nothing and you can never reassemble them again into anything.
    I went. Worse than I imagined, really. Wife. Kids. Home. Happy. I sat in the corner chair, rock-hard sober, and then masticated like a farm animal at the table.
    Paul was smarter, perhaps, than I gave him credit for. He said nothing to me, or about me. His children nattered and his wife placed the food in front of me and they talked of everything and nothing as if I wasn’t there – no, as if I had always been there. As if the man with every bit of his life written right on his face had always sat in that seat.
    I wasn’t prepared for it when he took out the Bible. Is he a madman like my own father was? It’s too much. The children sat by the tree, and he opened the Bible and placed his finger in there. I wanted to run screaming into the street. I wanted to murder them all and wait for the police. I wanted to lay down on the carpet and die.
    “Ye are the salt of the earth; but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? It is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men. Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick, and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”
    He put the children to bed, to dream of the morning. His wife kissed him, said only “good night” to me, and went upstairs. We sat for a long moment by the fire, the soft gentle sucking sound of the logs being consumed audible now that the children were gone. The fire was reflected in the ornaments on the tree. The mantel clock banged through the seconds.
    “Do you want something?” he asked.
    “Ginger ale.”

(From my collection of flash fiction, The Devil’s In The Cows Merry Christmas to all that visit here, and all that don’t]

Jingle Bells, Now With New Mistletoe Command Goodness

The Poorly Wrapped Christmas Album by Maine’s best band, Unorganized Hancock, is currently the Number 3 most popular album on BandCamp for Christmas Songs:

http://unorganizedhancock.bandcamp.com/album/poorly-wrapped-christmas-album

The entire album was entirely produced and recorded by my two sons, aged 12 and 20. The main reason the recording is doing so well is that my readers are
really nice people, and support Unorganized Hancock’s efforts, and for
that, we’re truly grateful.Because so many people preferred to buy the compact disc version of the
album over a digital download, it’s also in the top 30 compact discs of
any kind of music on the site.

If you’re not yet in the proper Christmas spirit, you can listen to the songs for free by pressing the play button, or click through to get your copy of the Poorly Wrapped Christmas Album at the Unorganized Hancock page on BandCamp  It’s available as a download for just $3.99, or $9.99 for a CD (that includes shipping)

Merry Christmas!
[Update: The good nature and generosity of our Intertunnel friends is very much appreciated]
[ Further Update: Many thanks to Jerry and Michelle for their generous contribution to our family. It is much appreciated]
[Up-Update: Many thanks to Linda L. in Texas for her generous contribution to our PayPal tipjar, and for buying a CD, to boot. You may have just saved our Christmas]
[ To everyone that bought a CD or a download (many, many people left a tip, too) we send our warmest wishes and thanks. Merry Christmas to you and yours!]

Christmas Whatsis 2015

Well, it’s that time of year again. Time for the Sippican Christmas Whatsis for 2015. If you’re looking for a little Christmas cheer with your Christmas shopping, you’ve come to the right place. Let’s get started!

First, we have the best band in Maine: Unorganized Hancock will make your yule log glimmer, your eggnog simmer, and your party dress shimmer with their Poorly Wrapped Christmas Album. Five big songs you can download for just $3.99. If you prefer a CD, you can get a disc in a jewel case with lovely cover art for just $9.99, and that includes shipping! You can also buy the songs one at a time for $0.99 if you prefer. You can pay more than the asking price for any version of the Poorly Wrapped Christmas Album if you’re feeling generous.

We don’t sell pigs in a poke here at Sippican Cottage, so if you want to hear what you’re buying first, just hit the play button on the Bandcamp ad I’ve embedded, and listen to Christmas songs played and sung by children who still know the meaning of Christmas!

Next up, what kind of Christmas would it be without ornaments, cards, calendars, and assorted holiday tchotchkes from 32 Degrees North. Every year, the lovely ladies at 32 Degrees send our boys an Advent calendar, because they’re nicer people than any seven saints you could name. We always recommend their decorations to everyone, and now Better Homes and Gardens has jumped on our bandwagon. They do Christmas Old Schule, just the way we like it. The only exception we make for Christmas decorations is the Mobster Christmas motif. You get one of those white plastic trees, and put nothing but Crown Royal bags and stolen diamond bracelets under it. Other than that, it’s strictly trad Xmas for the Sippican Clan. Go to their website and dress your house up pretty for Christmas! 

If you’re tired of looking like you raided Ma Kettle’s wardrobe before heading off to the office Christmas Party, you can head on over to Nora Gardner.com

If you’re in New Yawk, and want to skip waiting for the UPS man to arrive with your togs, you can go to Nora’s NYC Holiday Boutique at 125 E 47th Street, NYC (at Lexington Ave). You might catch a glimpse of Nora herself, who is prettier than the models in her ads.

If you’re a Sippican Cottage reader and are hawking something online for Christmas, send me an email at SippicanCottage at Gmail.com and I’ll be glad to add it to the list.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas To All Our Friends, Everywhere

Peace on Earth, and good will towards men. To me, it’s more than meaningless words appended to the modern equivalent of Have a Nice Day. Many people have shown good will towards me and my family. I send my meager good will back, like a weak backhand return from the baseline from a powerful serve, but one must try or be aced.

When you put your head on your pillow, your mind can swim with work unfinished, or battles lost, or simple regret. Or you can go down the list of kindnesses you’ve had in your life. Guess which one sends you off to sleep faster.

I slept like a baby last night, and never got through the list. I never do.

Unorganized Ghost In The Machine

So, anyway, on my essay Perfect Pitch, old comment-friend Dave from the wrong coast asked:

Whoa that was amazing. Know what I really really want for Christmas???
Use Me, by Bill Withers
Not the dude, the SONG. Nice little stretch for the boyos methinks
I’m betting on the 10 year old and I’m putting $50 on the table.
By Christmas. 2013.

Professor D
Fretboard Kinesthesiologist 

Well, as usual, be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.

The little feller’s mysterious abilities range further than President Math, and Perfect Pitch, and being the Greatest Ten Year Old Drummer in the world. He likes computer programming, and electronic music.  His older brother put a copy of FL Studio on his work computer, in order to edit the rough tracks they use on YouTube videos. Our latest purchase for the boys’ videos, made possible by the generous support of my readers, was an input/output digitizer. It allows them to record up to sixteen separate signals at the same time, turns each of those feeds into digital signals (microphones are analog) that can be directly inserted into a computer for mixing. They used to have to do it one or two tracks at a time. It wasn’t cheap, but it was well worth the money we spent.

FL Studio was free. The little feller figured out that you could compose electronic music on it. He started sneaking into his big brother’s room early in the morning, putting on headphones, and monkeying around with it. He looks quite comical in there, the big hemispheres of the headphones on his little head, and the big screen full of virtual sliders and knobs and so forth on the screen in front of him. He looks like a mad scientist on his day off.

It’s a sequencer, and drum machine, and noisemaker par excellence. And that little boy can play it like a Stradivarius, getting all sorts of noise out of it. He’s composed dozens of fairly long pieces of electronic music, all by himself, with piquant names like Zither, OS, Don’t You Dare, Petrified, Iowa, Bismarck, Prism, Maps Of Salem, #45, That’s Correct, Acid Reflex.  According to him, they’re “Acid House, Brostep, Complextro, and sometimes Trance.” I’m old, so they’re all Kraftwerk to me. They are all between three and seven minutes long, and coherent and interesting.

So Dave bet on the ten year old. Dave bet wisely.

[Remember, it’s not too late to download an mp3 of Unorganized Hancock’s Generic Christmas Song at Bandcamp; only 99 cents, or any amount you’d like to give. And Merry Christmas!

Tag: christmas

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