There’s Win, Total Win, WINNAR!, Mega-Win…

… there’s WINNAR IS YOU, there are Win/Win situations. And then there’s a website called “Not Hired.”

If you’ve ever had a job that involves reviewing a lot of resumes, you’ve probably seen a whole bunch of this sort of thing. I used to sit in amazement from time to time, looking at some colossal weirdo fidgeting in the chair across my desk from me looking for a clue and a job, but not in that order, when it would occur to me that they were the people that made it past HR in the first place. How bad was the raw feed?

Sometimes it’s not your fault. I remember looking at a resume in 2004 or so from a guy who had worked for the better part of two decades for the Bin Laden family. Dude, lie, I thought. But in general, they’re all self-inflicted wounds in the Hire Me! ER.

Anyway, here’s the greatest of the very great of weirdos that want a job. How many of you are smart enough to make an insane clown-colored spreadsheet of “Things I Believe” to apply for a position? None? I thought so. Because let’s face it, a potential employer is going to wonder, on a scale of one to ten, or one to twenty here and there for no apparent reason, how you feel about Trousers, Ninja Men, Groin Injuries (The Balls() Mexicans, Fast People Who Run Past My Window, Bags, Coral…

“On Something Down Under,” from Not Hired.

Ninja turtles? “Yes of course.”