2012: That Was The Year That Wasn’t

I’m sorry, but The Onion isn’t funny anymore.

Now, the Rumford Meteor — that’s funny right there. It’s funny because it’s real. All the news stories in the Meteor are from real newspapers, if you can call what passes for birdcage lining nowadays “real.” The snippets are printed verbatim, with links to the whole story in all the local newspapers in Maine. The only thing changed is the headline. Let’s see The Onion try that.

But then again, just living in Maine is like cheating for humor. I live here, and I’m still not sure Maine is really real. The temperatures here have a hyphen or a dash or a minus sign or something in front of them half the time. The economy is based on tourism, but everyone that lives here calls all the tourists Massholes under their breath. The radio stations play country music for some reason, even though the Arctic Circle is a lot closer than the Mason-Dixon line. Every room in every house in Maine has a ceiling fan in it, even though you can see your breath indoors from Labor Day until Memorial Day. People cook baked beans in a hole in the ground for two days and then eat them, and claim they like it. The place doesn’t make a lick of sense.

My friend Aubuchon Connery, the editor, publisher, stringer, photographer, archivist, typesetter, and  pixel adjuster of the Rumford Meteor, sent along the Top 100 News Stories of 2012, and asked me to publish it, in case his press is frozen solid again until late April. I was glad to oblige;  my wife chipped his good gutting ax while cleaning a chicken breast on the counter again, and I owe him one.
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 January:

• Old Town Police Run Up The Score By Simply Arresting Every Other Person In The Trailer Park
• I Am A Lineman For The County. And We Have To Use Cones. So I’m Fighting With Policemen In The Gully By The Road
• NBC Considering New Series: Suicidal Unfrozen Caveman Topless Coffee Shop Arson Witness In Hospital Scrubs On Bath Salts Robber
• Governor Certain He’s Responsible For Creating That Guy Whatshisname’s Job Making That Thing There
• Agency Warns Mainers About “Work At Home” Schemes. “Not Working At Home Or Anywhere Else” Schemes Still OK
• Telstar Students Shocked, Disoriented By Cache Of Musical Devices That Never Sent Steve Jobs 99 Cents
• What Kind Of Jerk Would Publish A Faux Newspaper With Disrespectful Lampooning Of Local News Stories?
• Maine Olympic Snowboarder Injured, May Require Hipster Replacement
• Mexico Fire Department’s ‘Save The Electric Meter Socket’ Strategy Works Like A Charm
• Police Seeking Two Men Who Started A Fire In Maine In January Say They Have 649,484 Suspects

February: 

• Buckfield High Students Interested In Anything Else
• Energy Efficiency Experts Visit Freezing Couple’s Home To Make Sure They Don’t Have Any Waste Heat From Incandescent Light Bulbs
• Innovative Ellsworth Valentine Program Coaches Local Men To Wash Their Pits On February 13th
• County Woman Beginning To Suspect Her Husband’s Chainsaw Collection Is Just A Bunch Of Chainsaws He Bought
• Americans’ New Retirement Plan Is A Bed With A Lid
• I’m A Bereaver

March: 

• Students Spend 90 Percent Of Class Time Looking At Porn And Playing Games On Their School Laptops. The Other 10 Percent Doesn’t Exist, They Can’t Add, Either
• Governor Makes Maine More Business-Friendly With A New Stack Of Forms
• Now They Know How Many Bombs It Takes To Clear The Aubert Hall. I’d Love To Turn You On
• Wales Farmer Saddened By The Unsustainability Of Sustainable Farming
• Mainers Celebrate Franco-American Day By Eating Dinner At 4:15 And Leaving A Seven Percent Tip
• Actress With Maine Roots, Gray Roots On NBC Tonight
• $640 Million Jackpot Has Lottery Buyers Dreaming Of How Many Lottery Tickets $640 Million Would Buy

April: 

• Health Food Cafeteria Goes Out Of Business, Naturally
• Emergency Readiness A Priority In Sumner, Maine, Pop. 854. Procedures Include Opening The Window And Yelling Over To The Bouchard’s Place
• Royal Wedding Showed That Wearing Elaborate Hats Can Distract Other Women From Commenting On Your Horse Face And Tree Trunk Legs For A Few Minutes
• Bangor Casino Running Out Of Bleary-Eyed Men In Members Only Jackets Clutching Next Month’s Rent
• Nothing Says Quality Public Education Like Low Lights, Soft Music, And A Liver-Spotted Man-Hand Rubdown
• Totally Unsocialized Homeschool Weirdo Doesn’t Know Where To Buy Bath Salts Or Pot, Has 242 Year-Old Boyfriend
• Bucksport High A Leader At Making Lip Dubs, Ensuring Students Are Ready For The Lucrative Lip Dub Industry After Graduation
• Eighth-Grade Girl Joins Legions Of Women Worried About Plastic In The Environment Until They Want Two Pounds Of It Inserted In Their Chest
• Santa Monica Mortuary Confused By Request To Embalm Dick Clark Again
• Protesters Who Attended Second-Rate College Would Like People Who Only Finished Second-Rate High School To Pay Their Loans
• Innovative Cooking Class Using Local Ingredients Has Excited Participants Dreaming Of Eating Four Months A Year
• Local Public Grammar School Students Wish They Knew How To Read The Signs Mom Made Them Hold

May: 

• Local Student Wonders When Machinist School Will Get Around To Exploring Sustainable Transgender Anarcho-Socialist Free-Range Machining
• Organic Farmers Know That Consumers Don’t Mind A Little Listeria As Long As They Get It From Farmers Who Care
• 27 Percent Of Maine Teachers Haven’t Been Accused Of Anything Yet
• Bangor Faithful Gather To Pray For More Plaid Flannel Shirts
• Local Legislators Suffering From Post-Traumatic Sex Syndrome. Somebody Done Hoodooed The du Houx Man
• Milford Authorities Considering Ten-Day Waiting Period For Trailer Home Purchases To Cut Down On Violence
• Midcoast Maine Economy Hoping For Boost From Wiping Both Ends Of Baby Boomers Until They Croak

June:

• Lewiston Public School Nutrition Director Says Kids Really Like Drinking Diet Chocolate Milk While Glaring At The Salad Bar
• Governor LePage Will Mark 500 Days Into His Term With A Booklet Touting His Accomplishments If The Girl Can Get The Mimeograph Goin’
• Police Shoot Naked Man Eating Another Naked Man’s Face When He Refuses To Stop And Read A Pamphlet Urging Him To Switch To Lean Protein, Whole Grains, Fruits, And Lo-Fat Dairy
• Cranky Old Mainer Reviews Video Cassette Of Dave He Found At The Dump. It’s About Dave
• Energy Science Education Touts Such Cutting-Edge Subjects As Fermenting Things, Windmills, And Window Glass. No Word On Alchemy, Miasmas, Phlogiston
• Assistant US Secretary Of Commerce For Import Administration Tours New Balance, Wears Safety Glasses In Case There’s A Massive Shoelace Explosion
• Five Candidates Vie For Chance To Collect Taxes From Rumford’s Four Remaining Taxpayers
• Cape Elizabeth Librarian Wins Award For Excellence In Hiding The Ayn Rand Books
• Bristol Begins “Pre-K” Education, Mulling Over Pre-Pre-K, Considering Having Obstetricians Yell Phonics Up There Between Contractions
• EPA Touts The Health Benefits Of Shivering In The Dark While Unemployed
• Local Mothers Want The Parts Of A Magazine Article They Can Remember Put Into The Constitution

July: 

• Bowdoin Student Crusading To Ensure Maine’s Starving Families Have Unfettered Access To Leeks
• Man Currently In Charge Of The Maine Department Of Revenue Says The Internal Revenue Service Is The Gestapo
• Education Commissioner Certain That Shoveling More Millions Over The Festering Corpse Of Steve Jobs Will Fix The Schools
• New Survey Indicates Women Earn Less Because They Answer Surveys All The Time Instead Of Working
• Norway Residents Weigh In On What Sort Of Funky-Cool Downtown Shops They’d Prefer To Drive Right Past On Their Way To The Auburn Wal-Mart
• Olympic Head Hopes Athletes Inspire A Generation Of Young People To Work For No Pay And Meekly Pee Into A Cup When Ordered To Do So
• Saco Man Considering Donating Huge Collection Of Books He Purchased At Library Book Sales To A Library Or Something

August: 

• Gore Vidal Dies Alone, Still Clutching The Phone After Spending 14 Months On Hold Waiting To Reserve A Table At Elaine’s
•  $756,000 Math Error Found In Westbrook School Department Budget. If Only There Was Some Sort Of School Where Residents Could Go To Learn To Add And Subtract
• Kenyan Runners Huddle At Cape Elizabeth 10K Finish Line And Decide To Act Winded Until The Wazungu Show Up
• Thank Goodness George Bush Isn’t President Anymore, Or We’d Have To Pay Attention To All These Dead Soldiers
• 24 Little Girls, And One Very Confused Local Machinist Yelling RON PAUL! Over And Over, Attend Tea Party Event In Mexico
• Senator Collins’ New Husband Going To Lobby The Hell Out Of Her Until She Screams Cloture
• Waldoboro Fire Department’s Save The Basement Strategy Would Have Worked If Mobile Homes Had Basements

September: 

• Statistics Show That If Your Wife Agreed To Stay Pregnant For 18 Months, She’d Have Two Babies
• Local Grandmother Says That Circle Solay Girl Wears Too Much Makeup
• Lewiston Mayor Suggests Somali Immigrants Should Only Open Non-Prophet Businesses
• New Westbrook Art Gallery’s Renovation Expected To Take Until 2017 Because The Owner’s Brushes Are So Small
• New Study From Brown University Confirms That All White People Are Identical
• Psychic Crime Fighter Says He Knows What Others Might Be Thinking, Which Seems Unlikely Because He’s Wearing Jorts
• Local Woman On Paxil, Elavil, Cymbalta, Ambien, Ortho-Novum, And Ritalin Says She’ll Continue To Buy Organic Food Because The Other Kind Is Full Of Chemicals

October: 

• High School Teacher Takes Students To Dairy Farm To See Where The Whole Milk They’re Not Allowed To Drink In School Comes From
• ‘David Geffen Drops Anchor Off Bar Harbor.’ I Don’t Get Out Much, So I Have No Idea If That’s A Euphemism
• Dog In Workplace Wonders Why His Human Doesn’t Weep Alone Into A Tub Of Ice Cream While Looking At Her Screen Like At Home
• Bullying Victim Signals She’s Ready To Begin Her Life Of Endless Praise Without Merit Now
• West Paris Comic Book Magnate Has Invented Facesterbayuffingtonahoosoftunestubepressipedia, But Can’t Fit Enough Servers In His Van Down By The River To Handle Its Potential
• Woolwich Solar Panel Devotee Showcases Computer That Allows Him To Estimate If Can Make Toast Before The Sun Goes Down
• Portland Neo-Burlesque Show Reminds Man In Front Row That It’s Almost Time To Put Out Suet For The Birds
• High School Computer Repair Wizards Say Your Computer Is Definately So Broken, And All Gayed Up With Viruses And Stuff, So Have Your Mom Buy You A New One. Duh!
• Youngsters At Livermore Falls Daycare Report The New Lump Of Plastic In The Parking Lot Doesn’t Have That Many Wasps In It Yet

November: 

• Town Council Desperately Tries To Explain The Arithmetic For A New School To Citizens Educated In The Current One
• Wiscasset Ladies Organ Society Gets Together And Wishes More Of Their Organs Worked
• Maine Forest Rangers Return From Hurricane Sandy Relief After Helpfully Showing Staten Islanders How To Gut A Moose
• Two Dozen Students Offer To Eat School’s 37-Year-Old Twinkie Experiment Instead Of The New “Healthy” School Lunches
• Cape Elizabeth Land Trust Purchases 60 More Acres Of Nothing And Nobody, Nowhere, With Trees On It, Because Maine’s About To Run Out Of That
• BUT. I. LOVE. HIM. SO. MUCH.
• Financial Planning Experts Say Mega-Lottery Winners Aren’t Financially Savvy Enough To Pour Their Payouts Into Facebook Stock At $38 A Share

December: 

• Murals Deemed Too Flammable For Hospital Given To Wilton Schools. That Burn Unit Wasn’t Going To Fill Itself, You Know
• Stunned Kansas City Fans Beginning To Suspect Chiefs Linebacker Didn’t Really Give A Shit About Breast Cancer, Either
• Even Though We Have A ‘Dormitory Student’ President Now, Having ‘Dormitory Students’ On Your Basketball Team Is Considered Cheating In Maine
• Rockland Area School Superintendent Says Truancy Is At Epidemic Levels, Or It’s Saturday And He Forgot
• Long-Time Head Of Maine Organic Farmers Association Dies At 56, Serene In The Knowledge He Would Have Died At 55 If He Used Pesticides
• You Could Tell Santa’s Helper In The UU Church Pageant Was A Drag Queen Because He’s The Only Person In Western Maine That Looks Even Vaguely Feminine
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• Vegetarian Doctor Touts The Health Benefits Of Having An Adam’s Apple Like A Third Elbow
• Asperger Moms Assure The Public There’s Only Something Different About Their Children When It’s Convenient
• Tom Brady Pissed He Has To Get On A Plane And Go Beat Some Sort Of Football Team They’ve Got In Jacksonburg, Alabama Or Somewhere