Three Old Men Having Fun

Back towards the tail end of my stint as a working musician, my friends and I had a name for our band, strictly for internal use: Four Old Men Having Fun. I was in my early forties at the time. We understood that what we were doing was ultimately a young person’s game, even though we were still doing it. Unlike many of our contemporaries, we didn’t have any ego problem that would interfere with acknowledging the growing absurdity of it. It seemed plenty absurd to me before we got old, so for me the transition was seamless.

Music wasn’t our real profession, though. Don’t get me wrong. We performed a lot and got checks with more than one zero on them. That was the whole point of it. We had regular occupations and played music at night and on the weekends to make some extra money. When we were younger we met lots of pretty girls and when we got older we used the money we earned to buy formula for the babies we had with the girls. 

I have no complaints. I simply stopped doing it. It was easy for me to stop because I was stopping being what I wasn’t.  It’s not so easy for people who are musicians whether the sun’s up or not. They are what they is, as they say. They don’t want to stop being musicians because then they stop being people. A few prominent people in the arts, who don’t want to keep slugging it out in a fickle industry, open wineries or some such enterprise when they want to live my life in reverse, but most are still trying to sing Hope I Die Before I Get Old right up until they’re screwing down the lid.

I find that most of the interesting songwriters in pop music are basically scholars. Bob Dylan, Van Morrison, and people like Donald Fagen are bookworms for music. They perform their own stuff, but they would probably be just as happy if they were like Jimmy Webb or Rogers and Hammerstein or a million other guys that sat in a walkup office with a piano and a pile of foolscap and wrote music all day. I’m pretty sure that Fagen and Becker actually tried their hand at being Brill Building-type drones before the music business decided that it was simply cheaper and easier to have all the bands write their own stuff. Man, the Beatles ruined everything.

I found it amusing to watch the Three Old Men Having Fun resurrecting the Isley Brothers Who’s That Lady. Pop music doesn’t cure cancer or anything, but you can always find interesting things in it if you look around. Donald Fagen isn’t about to seine the Seventies looking for material and come up with The Candy Man. He has better taste than that. Who’s That Lady was a great piece of pop when it first came out. It’s been mostly overlooked in the recycled music industry, so it was both a surprise and familiar for the audience of geezers. That’s the secret to good covers.

I found all sorts of things interesting in that video: Bog Gas is performing with the wreckage of Steely Dan now? Fascinating. After all these years, Michael McDonald still doesn’t know the difference between a cardioid and an omnidirectional microphone? He pulls his head away from the microphone too abruptly at the end of phrases. In about ten more years, are you going to be able to tell the difference between Donald Fagen and Stephen Hawking without nametags? I used to think the Gibson SG was the worst guitar ever made, but now that I’ve seen Jon Herrington play one, is it possible that it’s worse than the worst guitar ever made? It makes him play badly, at least for him.

I’m moderately surprised that was a performance at the Metropolitan Opera. It’s not that goofy an idea, I suppose. Mean Joe Greene (Giuseppe Verdi) was a pop artist, and opera was the equivalent of the top forty on AM radio back in the day. Sometimes only the passage of time gives things cultural weight. But man, if you asked me in 1974 if the Isleys would be covered in the Metropolitan Opera House by Bog Gas and Steely Dan, I would have said that’s impossible. And tried to buy tickets.

Winter Dreams the Same Dream Every Time

We burned around seven tons of pellets last heating season. There’s approximately 8,500 BTUs in a pound of wood pellets. That works out to 17,000,000 BTUs in a ton. Seven tons is almost 120 million BTUS. That was enough to make our refrigerator run from time to time to keep the ketchup inside from freezing solid, so we can’t complain.

It’s difficult to say exactly how many of those BTUS end up being useful inside our house. The pellet stove industry doesn’t like cold, hard, facts very much. Instead of telling you how many BTUs their rigs produce, they prefer to say how many square feet of floor area the machine will serve. Um, yeah, about that. I’ve noticed several differences between, say, San Diego and New England, in addition to only one having a functional football team. Call me a wild-eyed pessimist, but I guess that the ability of a heating appliance to cover the same square footage in those two places might also vary. The home in San Diego might still have an old 100-watt incandescent installed in a ceiling can light, which as you know produces enough “waste heat” to act as a standin for a furnace. I suspect there might be other variables.

The unit we use to burn pellets says it will heat 3,000 square feet. I haven’t noticed any macaws in the sumac bushes across the street, crocodiles in the Androscoggin River out back, or howler monkeys in the spruce trees, and I haven’t noticed being overly hot in January while trying to heat 2,000 square feet. The howler monkeys comment on news stories on the Bangor Daily News, so I know they’re around, but I think they have oil heat.

The reported efficiency of a pellet stove is a WAG when it isn’t an outright lie. The entire industry gets a pass because they put “eco” in every other word on their websites. I guess that a well set up and well maintained pellet stove runs at around 80 percent efficiency. An oil furnace that efficient would get replaced. I mentioned yesterday that wet pellets are a problem we avoid like the plague. Wet pellets drop the efficiency of a stove precipitously.

The manufacturers of the stoves use the variable quality of pellets to weasel out of any sort of prediction on how the stove will run and the amount of heat and creosote the stove will produce. The Number 2 bunker oil you get for heating your mighty castle might be anything from Caracas sludge to North Sea sewing machine oil, but your oil burner will handle it just fine. Your furnace will be expected to perform the same in any case, but the the pellet industry gets a pass. “I’m sorry, the trees used to make your pellets had over 17 birdsnests per cubic ton of shade, so their refractal qualities make them unsuitabable for peak performance in our Lignoblaster 5000 EcoGuevara stove.”

At this point in my life, I simply dream of a thermostat. After that, three square meals a day would be gravy. And I mean that every which way.

Sixteen Tons and Whaddaya Get?

We got a ton of pellets yesterday. A ton isn’t that much. It’s fifty bags that weigh forty pounds each. I wrote out the math for you to prove I went to Catholic school. We had it delivered, because the place that delivers keeps their pellets indoors, so they’re the only supplier that doesn’t sell you wet pellets. Wet pellets are next to useless. Walmart is only twenty-five dollars a ton cheaper, and they leave the pallets out in the weather. In case you’re some form of criminal, I’m giving you a heads up that you can go to Walmart at 1 AM and find $25,000 worth of pellets in the parking lot that you can steal if you’re feeling really frisky and have a pickup truck that can handle a hundred tons. My advice is that it’s a lot less work to simply siphon gas from your neighbors’ cars and use the fuel to drive until you reach the Mason-Dixon line. Sometimes the old ways are the best ways.

People never steal anything useful like pellets. That’s why they’re left out in the parking lot under the hinky streetlight. People who want to steal things go inside the Walmart and try to steal televisions and iPhones, which are not useful, and go to jail for their trouble. There’s 25 grand in pellets outside, but they want to steal a phone the company will give to you for free if you sign up for cellphone service. I think that proves that tattoo ink interferes with normal brain function, because everyone in the police blotter has a visible tattoo on their neck. I’m just doing the math again. However, it doesn’t explain how you ended up with a tattoo in the first place, so I need a new theorem.

We burn pellets instead of firewood these days. Firewood is cheaper than pellets, which are cheaper than oil, which is cheaper than propane, which is cheaper than electricity. Wood, pellets, oil, and propane dumped together and burned in a rusty barrel out in the yard to heat the house indirectly through an open window is cheaper than electricity, now that I think of it. That’s because electricity is 100-percent efficient. Nothing goes to waste. Every electron you use is converted directly into a zero on your bill. You could get an electric bill for $900 where I live. For one month. That’s if it’s a warmish January. The electric company doesn’t leave any electricity outside on pallets in their parking lot, or I would steal it, and feel saintly while doing it. There are laws greater than those made by men.

We bought the largest pellet stove we could find. It’s a Vogelzang VG5790, which translates roughly from German as, “The goddamn electric bill for January was $900.” If that translation sounds a bit off for you, that’s because I learnt classical German, not that strange dialect you seem to have picked up. Anyway, according to the manufacturer, our pellet stove produces 60,000 BTUs per hour. According to me, pellet stove manufacturers produce one extravagant lie every minute. At any rate, our stove has 5 settings:

  1. Why do you keep it so hot in here? (October)
  2. Why do you keep it so cold in here? (November)
  3. Why is there ice on the inside of the windows? (December)
  4. Why am I brushing my teeth with slush from the faucet? (January)
  5. Why didn’t I buy damp pellets from Walmart when I had the chance? (February)

Whenever we turn the pellet stove on Setting 5, we all adopt a Montgomery Scott accent and say things like, ” She canna take much more captain, she’s gonna blow.” On the humor scale, that’s right up there with saying, “Come along, Artoo,” when you’re pulling a shop vac over to clean out the pellet stove and start a fire in the shop vac. Normal people fear a fire in their shop-vac. In Maine, we shrug and say, “Woohoo! Free BTUs!”

The stove glows like an Iranian underground bunker, vibrates and hums a lot, and the side panels pop open from expansion when it’s on the Number 5 setting. It’s still only 40 percent as terrifying as the electric bill, so we take our chances.

The Jewbadours Are My New Second-Favorite Band

Of course Unorganized Hancock has been my Numero Uno favorito completo band for four years now, although not necessarily in a row. I’m related to them, so that means they’re definitely in my tribe, and as you know, you gotta support the team. The second-place slot on my hit parade is always in flux, however.

I had a dalliance with the Kimjongleurs for a short while. Their brand of love-starved — and every other sort of starved– ballads really hit home for me. I took a flutter on the 4chan-teuses, but their lyrics were a little risque for my tastes. I enjoyed the heavy metal stylings of the Crystal Methodists, but their gigs go all night and I can’t stay up that late anymore. No, if there’s going to be a new Number Two in my life, it’s got to be the Jewbadours:

That’s pretty damn good, but lets not get ahead of ourselves with praise here. A peek behind the mixing booth curtain would reveal the true secret of their success: Copious amounts of the McDonaldizer plugin for ProTools.

The Jewbadours use a beard setting that’s a little low for my tastes, but the heavy post-Doobie mix offsets any harmonic alopecia. Anyway, let’s not quibble. The Jewbadours are the best thing to come out of New York City since King Kong, and since he came out feet first, they’re the reigning champs as far as I’m concerned.

Shalom!

The Jewbadours

By the Time I Get to Simi, You’ll Be Writhing

We bought a little SPL bop drum kit for Garrett for his Unorganized Hancock gigs. There are half a dozen or so terms currently in use to refer to a small drum kit. Some call them jungle drums, street kits, cocktail sets, breakbeats, or jazz sets. Everyone argues endlessly over the terminology because each of the names was in (obscure) use for other types of drum sets. For instance, a true cocktail drum set is played standing up, and usually features a beater pedal that strikes the underside of the bass drum, with a snare placed on top of it. I think the term bop kit is the most useful.

We bought Garrett’s bop kit using the money they won in the Lewiston/Auburn Fighting Spirit hockey team anthem contest. He formerly played on a drum set left over from when I was a working musician in the 1990s. It was a modest set, a Pearl Export Pro, but it was way too big, way too loud, took up too much room, and was way too heavy to cart around. Drum sets are stupid. We had to do something about it.

Drum sets have gotten really elaborate. They were originally intended to keep up with big bands, who were as loud as rock bands in some cases. Once the 60s rolled around and the volume of pop bands got uberstupid, drum manufacturers started making drums even louder to compete with Marshall stacks. The volume arms race was moronic beyond belief, and even though it was shortly made superfluous by secondary amplification, it continued unabated. Everyone miked the drums and put them through the PA system, so volume shouldn’t matter, but they kept making drums louder. Nobody knew how to play anyway, and volume became a stand-in for musicality.

The more drums and cymbals I see when a band sets up, the less music I expect I’m going to hear. If you could play the drums properly, you wouldn’t need very many of them. Buying a little bop set has made it possible for Unorganized Hancock to play in smaller rooms without blowing people out of building, and it lets Garrett see the audience, and lets the audience see him better, too. They’re still too loud for him to practice with unless he wears headphones, but progress is progress. They take up half the area that the old set required, both when they’re set up and when they’re being transported. Their white sparkle finish is jaunty to look at, too.

There’s another rub. The new bass drum sounds good. Drummers have come up with a very elaborate process for making their giant stupid bass drums sound like something. They stuff them full of pillows, cut holes in the front head, remove the front head entirely, or just give up and have the PA do all the work. The idea that the bass drum itself should sound like a drum, and have a satisfying tone, was lost.

We filled Garrett’s old bass drum with stuffed animals, which the audience always found amusing, but it was only incidentally for visual effect. We were trying to shut it the hell up. For his new bop kit, we ignored everyone and simply put a strip of felt across the inside of the head to keep it from ringing when it wasn’t being struck by the beater. We tuned the heads properly, and it sounds exactly like the bass drum in this Simi Stone video.

It sounds musical. What a concept. Might catch on, you never know.

Month: November 2015

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