Le Nozze Di Sippican Ossia La Folle Giornata

I have a long-suffering wife.

We’re going to the opera tonight. We never go anywhere.

That’s not exactly correct. We rarely go anywhere. We don’t do what other people do, much. It’s not stubborn oppositionalism or sloth. No offense; do whatever makes you happy that doesn’t panic the horses in the street. We’re just not all that interested, and I’m a little strange.

They’re getting preachy at my son’s grammar school. They’re meddling in things that are none of their affair. They have decided to outlaw almost any form of bridled or unbridled physical activity for the kids, as someone might sue. No tag. Then they harangue the kids endlessly about mostly imaginary obesity due to inactivity. We just let our kids run around.

They obsess endlessly about food. They made the lunches so “wholesome” at school that no one purchased them, and so they don’t even offer them any more. Me, I would have complained about the rations they offered if I was in a concentration camp. They expected kids to eat it. Message to teacher: you are the only Vegan involved here.

The kids were faint with hunger, so the teacher let them bring a snack. He complained to the parents that the students were eating foods he didn’t approve of. I answered him politely that he had overstepped his authority. He told me he wasn’t talking about my kid, so not to worry about it. I explained that it was still a problem, as it is the parent who decides, and not only if he decides correctly according to the teacher. Deaf ears.

The children are lectured that they watch too much TV. TV is evil, they are told. We don’t have a TV. We have a screen on which we watch entertainments, but it is not hooked up to cable or broadcast feeds. I guarantee you that we are the only house in town of this sort, including the teachers. Especially the teachers, now that I think of it. I’m sure their low opinion of television comes from watching it every spare moment of their lives. Our ambivalence about it springs from our amibivalence about it. It was wry to note that when we tried to discover if school would be delayed or cancelled due to snow this week, we were directed by the school system to turn on the television to find out. Website? Why would we put it there? The website is for preaching about the evils of… television.

We don’t go to sporting events much, as they are very expensive, and the athletes are disinterested and thuggish now as a rule. I’d rather go to our son’s little league games. We eat out rarely, as it is expensive generally, but mostly because the food is rarely better than we can make for ourselves. It’s a colossal time waster, too. I hate traveling, as it is so rare to find a place half as comfortable as our home.

But my wife is trapped in here with three boys. She needs to get the hell out of here. She’s not strange, like I am. So where would we go? What would we do? Why, we’d go to the opera.

And real singers will stride to the front of a real stage, and their clarion voices will carry over a real pit orchestra’s version of Mozart’s incomparable melodies, and pound them into our very hearts. My wife will glow like the moon in the summer evening’s sky. We will sit in rapt attention — a kind of awe, really — as the story of a sublime and humorous attempt at marriage will twinkle in front of us like a sparkler on the Fourth of July.

It costs less than two weeks of cable. You guys all talk a good game. What the hell are you doing tonight?