Slow And Steady Wins The Race

[Editor’s Note: Hit the “Play” button and you can listen to this song while you read.]
{Author’s note: There is no editor}

Well, she’s stumbled badly. I’m vaulting over her prostrate form, after trailing her badly for a week. Ann Althouse has posted a picture in her series: Unplayable 45s I Won’t Throw Out, of Wham! singing Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go. She’s suffered an irreversible setback on two fronts:
1. She owns this record. Now, I own lots of bad records. People would give me records all the time, thinking that’s just the sort of thing I’d like. These were generally the sort of people that used to give me handkerchiefs or Hai Karate aftershave for Christmas presents. “I noticed you like John Lee Hooker records, so I bought you this Olivia Newton John Greatest Hits. Same sort of thing, isn’t it?” I always found such gifts touching, but I never got the urge to listen to Physical while wearing after-shave and blowing my nose. Which brings us to:
2. Number two, indeed, because that Wham! record might be the most obnoxious thing ever pressed into plastic; but poor, deluded Ann is telling everyone it’s “one of the best pop singles ever.”
The mind reels.

First of all, we know that the greatest piece of pop ever is either Ringo singing It Don’t Come Easy, or Badfinger singing No Matter What. This has been determined scientifically by me listening to the radio for a while and then writing my opinion down on the internet. Literally tens of people have agreed with me. Case closed.

That Wham! (don’t forget the exclamation point!!!!!!!)record came out in the eighties. There is no delicate way to say this to a woman, but here goes: you’re older than me, Ann, and that means you were an adult when you purchased that thing. How do you bear the shame of it? Seek solace in the Bible or the bottle.

Now, me, I’m going to put up the second best Rod Stewart record ever, Maggie May. The best is of course You Wear It Well, but I can’t find that one. This will do, it’s still 25,000 % better than George Michael. Faint praise, indeed.

Now, Rod Stewart was busy being 99% as bad as George Michael in the eighties, and other than avoiding lingering in public bathrooms recently, it’s a tie as to who’s worse now. But Rod Stewart, or Raw Sewage, as I used to call him, made a few fabulous records thirty odd years ago, and he can always trot them out onstage while women throw their grannie panties at him. George Michael just gets to pose for mugshots.

And me? well, I’d rather hold up a mugshot number than a Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go single.