Holy Cow! The Borderline Sociopathic Blog For Boys Is Three Years Old Today, And Still Writing On The Intertunnel Wall With A Crayon

My son received The Dangerous Book For Boys as a gift. It’s a right smart looking tome, with its old-fashioned cloth cover, Warren G. Harding typeface, and heavyweight off-white paper inside. I got to looking around in there.

Hmmm. How to play soccer. Make a paper airplane. Marbling paper.

Marbling paper? This is beginning to sound like the Dangerous Book For Emily Dickinson. It appears to my untrained eye that perhaps the only dangerous thing in this book is nine letters between “The” and “Book.” Well, we are not our hearty and hardy forebears, are we? But perhaps we can punch this up a bit. Kick it up a notch. There are plenty of things a boy can do to get himself in real trouble these days. Here’s my outline for new version:

The Borderline Sociopathic Book For Boys
(Since the Dangerous Book has upped the ante by claiming that learning to play chess makes you a ninja, we’ll have to stoke the furnace of hyperbole further to get noticed at this point.)

1. Ride a bicycle without a helmet. You heard me. And no spandex spangled with lavender and chrome yellow blotches and French words. You’ll wear canvas shoes, too. You will not have anything with you that people with helmets refer to as “hydration.” Eventually, you can get a snort of rubber-tasting hot water from a garden hose.

2. Tell your 5th grade teacher, when she starts in with the Vegan lecture again during a spelling lesson, that you’re going to kill and eat your supper as soon as you can get your hands on some weapons. Then inform her that if she gives you anything less than a ‘B” on any report card because you told her that, your father will have a phalanx of lawyers turn her life into a deposition purgatory. Then don’t pass in any homework for the remainder of the term. Let’s see who has the stones.

3. We’re playing FOOTBALL, without any equipment but the ball. There are no rules, so this chapter is short. Soccer is Irish stepdancing with a ball introduced. We don’t want any of that.

4. We’re going out with dad on Earth Day, and we’re cutting down a tree with a chainsaw. Dad is hung over and is in a hurry and there is only one set of ear and eye protection, so one of you risks blinding, the other deafness. Solidarity is the hallmark of any male bonding ritual. The chainsaw’s guard is cheap and flimsy, but that doesn’t matter because it came out of the box broken anyway. Which leads us to…

5. Duct Tape. We’re going to use a lot of duct tape. We are going to dress our wounds, splint our shins, fix our tools, and tape our little brother’s door shut with glorious, magnificent Duct Tape. When the womenfolk complain about the gummy residue it leaves on your siblings, we will remove it with rags soaked in acetone. These will be disposed of improperly. I guess. Who reads the MSDS sheet? Girls.

6.We are not cave men, son. Electronics are a part of our world now. You will find pictures of girls on the internet who are not clothed. You will educate yourself on the proper procedure for removing cookies and browsing history. You will leave one picture of a girl wearing only very steeply inclined clear shoes and a fetching pill-box hat on the hard-drive, and when it is discovered –by mom– you can deny, deny, deny. Then watch your dad squirm and sleep on the couch for a week.

7.Firecrackers.

8. You will have a sip of Dad’s beer while you watch the football game together. You will remark on the grooming, stature, or level of pneumatic charms displayed by a Philadelphia Eagles cheerleader while doing so. Dad’s beer tastes awful, and dad knows it, so this isn’t all that dangerous for you. He, however, is risking a decade in the pokey over this. We’re in this dangerous thing together, son.

9. You will fight with your fists with the biggest jerk in your school. If you’re the biggest jerk in your school, you will fight with at least two classmates at a time, or any adult that rides a recumbent bicycle. You will all be in trouble, bigtime, with every adult involved. You will sit on the bench outside some boneless wonder’s school administration office, rubbing your shiners, and share the respect reserved only for the men in the arena. It’s the only real way to make friends with people you don’t like.

10. You will give the Dangerous Book For Boys to your little sister.

I Just Want To Say One Word To You – Just One Word.

Abandoned glass container factory in California. Many things have been abandoned in my lifetime. I don’t miss the rotary phone. I will refuse to eat from a dog dish to my dying day, however.

Find Your Inner Rufus

Rufus Jacoby was 94 years old when this video was made a few years back. Passed away now. He’s working at a retirement community wood shop at a place called Riderwood.

I never know what to make of places set aside for the elderly. The pragmatic benefits of the places make a certain amount of sense, but I never liked the idea of a society entirely stratified by age. Rufus had things to offer right up to the end. I imagine that a lot of his laconism springs from weariness from answering the same dumb questions over and over again. An intellectual tourist asks questions different than those trying to learn the ins and outs of a trade. I’ve known a bunch of guys like Rufus in my life. They mostly do things and don’t talk about them unless they sense a commitment from the questioner. When Rufus wearily answers Padauk and Bubinga to his interrogator, and hears the dead silence in return that comes from true ignorance of the topic, I know in my heart that Rufus wanted to go back to his silent dialog with his work.

Talk to your work ’til the very end. It will speak for you after your wake.

Nothing But Some Reverb

There used to be the same sense of excitement at a live musical performance as you’d find at a circus when the tightrope walker inched across the lonely strand of steel, high above the floor. There were people playing real instruments live, and really singing. They were there unaided, and they could falter, and it lent an air of danger to the proceedings. There was very little audio spackle you could apply to the sound. Even the records were usually just made like live recordings, just with more care and deliberation and no audience. It’s really, really rare now. You have to go to the opera to hear people really sing, or maybe a barroom.

For the most part, the pop music big time has become a package with no seams, and there’s no humanity in it anyway to let out. Oh well; I can always put on a Kraftwerk CD and hear it done properly in the modern fashion.

You Use A Nail. You Rub The Amulet

Runescape. It’s the largest free MMORPG — an acronym for: Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game. My older son gave it a whirl when he was in grammar school, but he got bored with it almost immediately. Not everyone does; according to Wikipedia, Runescape has ten million active accounts a month. I’m pretty sure New York City doesn’t.

There are a lot of videos on YouTube like this one. It’s the virtual equivalent of The New Yankee Workshop. Hmm. It’s the virtual virtual equivalent of a construction tutorial. There is no person, and he’s not making anything, to sell to other not-people, to get not-money.

These are strange and new concepts, and must be dealt with. It’s not as easy as saying it’s foolish and a waste of time, which is certainly the default position when you first see it.

My little son spent the most of his free time yesterday making structures out of Lincoln Logs. He populated them with little people, and put a plot to their interactions, then got his mother’s cellphone, recorded a video of the proceedings on the cameraphone, which he narrated. Then he erased it and started over. When I was young I did much the same thing, just without any hope of digital video — or even a phone that wasn’t screwed to the wall, with a curlicue tether, and a bell like a four alarm fire instead of a little song that plays. There is some sort of common urge there, that is being fed.

I actually…

How do I put this? See, this is the sort of thing that must be confronted, and sorted out. I actually actually stand in a little room and Use A Nail to make furniture. I don’t have an amulet, and the dungeon door market is a little slow just now, but still. I show others how to do the things I do now and again, too, sorta kinda like the video. I can’t imagine everyone runs out and builds a deck after I post twenty pictures about doing it, so perhaps you looked at it solely for amusement. The shadow world and the “real” one can appear somewhat the same.

There is a possibility that it’s me living in the shadow world, not the people making virtual tables for imaginary friends. I doubt it, but the concept must at least be considered. I could make real tables in my real workshop and if no one buys them, it would be me living in a fantasy world, while the Runescape authors are sleeping on a bed of Benjamins. And no one is making a thousand virtual tables on a screen for nothing, I imagine. You can buy virtual goods with real money, and people do.

But I spot the danger right away, and I wonder if others do. What are we training our children to do? How does the little man on the screen capitalize and run his little business? Watch the comment box.

You ring the bell.
The servant is on the way.
The servant goes to the bank.
The servant goes to the bank.
The servant goes to the bank
Butler: Your goods, sir…

A little later:

The servant has returned with logs.
You accept the logs.

There is a whole world being presented here. Something that has captivated many minds. We live in a world where many things are virtual and value is placed on them in ways that are not transparent. Expectations about the way life is — or should be — receive a kind of nebulous reinforcement, drilled by repetition. Opportunities to create a virtual system are considered the pinnacle of human achievement now. Opportunities to “game” those systems, as the author of the tutorial is demonstrating, are considered much more achievable than creating a system, and so are in the second tier of accomplishment. Simple participation in the system assures just enough status to keep people wandering around in it, and so there’s a big bottom on our ecosystem food pyramid, though when all is said and done, it is all nothing.

I just described Runescape — and the career trajectory of the Treasury Secretary, Subprime Mortgage finance, Credit Default Swaps, Carbon Trading Credits, Amway, 95% of all Venture Capital expenditures, the Stimulus Package, and the entire Blogosphere, — this little virtual world I contribute pixels to.

There are no servants. People will tell you that there are, to make you one.

Tag: time marches on

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