The Odd “I” Torium (From 2007)

Step closer friends. She won’t bite you and I won’t bite her. That’s my wife. Don’t be afraid to stare. Don’t worry, I’ve lost interest. She caught her dress in a spinning jenny all those years ago in the factory, and was pulled through the loom. She came out the other end, unhurt, in a sort of miracle. But she’s never spoken since, and moves like an automaton. We have the perfect marriage; a mute woman and a man that needs glasses. Don’t be shy, push right on in.

Oh, we’ve got it, ladies and gents. We’ve got the freaks and blockheads and five legged goats. We’ve got Queen Zoe Zingari the Circassian princess, kidnapped from a harem and held here against her will by the Mauler of Mecca with his scimitar. She’s got hair like a Brillo pad, and eyes that will bore a hole right through you. Step forward and see for yourself. You there, son, you look like you want to see a genuine Circassian tattoo. Will she show it to you? Give me a nickel and she’ll show you. Give me a dime and she’ll show me too!

Like pigs to the slop now, wade on in, don’t miss it. We’ve got the girl with the X-ray eyes, but when you see that raven-haired beauty you’re gonna wish it was you that had the X-ray eyes; but don’t worry, boy, there’s not that much standing between you and her. She can see through you like a bank inspector. Come on in!

We got the human pretzel over there and he’s gonna show you more contortions than a politician from New Orleans on Judgement Day. Come on now, don’t be shy. Move it on over.

Man, oh man, young lady we have the Prince of Fire and he’s come all the way from Constantinople to set himself ablaze for you. He eats brimstone for his breakfast and leaves the privy vulcanized. Inside, outside, the fire makes no nevermind to this boy. Step on in and he’ll show you who’s hot. Go on, now, go!

Oh, I know what you’re thinkin’ He don’t have a beautiful woman and a snake, does he? A boa snake from the Orinoco? Who don’t? Not me! I do! Go and see it before it squeezes that little woman tighter than you would if you got the chance. You know, I might get a little tight myself later. It’s hot in the sun. Get inside for your complexions ladies. Go!

Will you come with me to Africa? Will you come with me to Africa!? Oh, they live closer to nature there than anywhere on God’s green, don’t you think so? They’ve made themselves into giraffes and they have their dinner plate with them always, but they forgot to go to the dressmaker’s if you take my meaning, sir.

We’ve got monstrosities. Curiosities. Hell, we’ve got atrocities. Push on in, ladies and gents, and leave me alone out here to wish I knew what was going on in there. Move it on over.