We’re continuing our fifty state tour of old front doors. It tells us a lot about our front door heritage, which is to say: not very much.
New Jersey: New Mexico: New York: North Carolina: North Dakota: Ohio: Oklahoma: Oregon: Pennsylvania: Puerto Rico: Rhode Island: I’ll run out of states soon, so I’m contemplating “Drainage Ditches Of The Near East,” or perhaps “Garden Gnomes Of The Marianas Islands” as a theme for next week. I’m open to suggestions, of course.
It’s day three of our quixotic quest to codify a pack of portals from fitty states. Today we linger over the M’s a good long while. Beware the arm. Ask not for whom he holds the door. He holds for you. Maryland: Massachusetts: heh Michigan: Minnesota: Mississippi: Missouri: Montana: Nebraska: Nevada: New Hampshire: New letters being added daily! Get fresh alphabet tomorrow!
We’re trying to find a doorway worth looking at in all Fifty States, at least fifty years old. So far so good. Pretend you’re the paper boy.
“Collecting!”
Georgia: Hawaii:
Idaho: Illinois: Indiana: Iowa: Kansas: Kentucky: Louisiana: Maine: And just because we love Maine, a two-fer — because I want to spend every possible waking hour of five eternities lingering at a doorway that looks like this one in Wiscasset, Maine:More tomorrow, and until one of us gets bored.
I wondered if there was a way to visit every state in the Union without actually going there. Those rectangular ones with two time zones and one congressman are sort of daunting to a denizen of the coast. Mysterious. But every state has a vibe, more or less; and no matter what anyone tells you about how uniform the culture is getting, I’ve always been struck by how different the same thing can be depending on where you are. So, we offer humbly, the same thing in fifty places at least fifty years ago. Not sure what it’s all like now. That would involve leaving my house.
Alabama: Alaska: Arizona: Arkansas: Californi-ay: Colorado: Connecticut: Delaware: Washington, D.C. : Florida:More tomorrow, and until one of us gets bored or I get to Samoa.
Someday I’m going to be really rich… an OVERLORD! Yeah, that’s the ticket. An EVIL overlord at that. Plottin’ and schemin’ and living in a fortress of solitude or sostenudo or whatever the hell you call that cave with all the computers that evil dudes keep in the Arctic Circle or wherever they are where’s it’s all ice outside but nice and comfy in the cave. And I’m going to have a heliport so I can flit all over the globe at a moment’s notice, doin’ evil and whatnot.
And I’ll have a phalanx of leggy supermodels with guns with elaborate pointing devices involved, yeah… both the guns AND the women will have elaborate pointing devices! And lasers. Gotta have lasers. And nunchucks. Like Ghaddafi, but I don’t wanna write right to left. What am I, Da Vinci?
And with all the money I get from all that evil –evil pays good doesn’t it? I don’t really know… I guess it does; but they all seem to be evil for the love of it anyway, but maybe they invest wisely and just do the evil as a sort of hobby — I dunno–anyway, with all the evil money I get from all my evil…
Strike that! — I wanna be nefarious. Nefarious sounds so much cooler than just evil. Can you imagine calling a good restaurant and tellin’ them you’re coming on down and you’re freaking nefarious? Huh? Oh man, they’d tell the lame evil people they’d have to move them to another table even though they’re halfway through an arugula salad with balsamic and shaved cheese and they’d put me right down front and the evil guy’s dates would nudge their elbow and say: “How come you don’t lay a beatdown or a fatwa or whatever on that guy if you’re so evil?” And they’d just fidget in their chair and look shifty and mutter:” No way… that guy’s nefarious!” And then his chick would slip me her number when they slink out after the fish course and she’d be all wanting to join my cadre or army or gang or whatever, as long as it’s nefarious and not just evil. And if she’s hot and looks like Emma Peel in one of those good Avengers episodes with not so much of the fruity dude with the brolly and a whole lot of Emma Peel in a leather jumpsuit it’s welcome aboard, baby!
Anyway, with all my nefarious evil ill-gotten gains I’m gonna hire this guy to walk around behind me playin’ this all the live-long day while I’m nefariating all evil-like:
I’m warning you: If you try to tip him or call him over to your table and ask for Besame Mucho or something I’m going to have to get medieval on you.
Month: May 2007
sippicancottage
A Man Who Has Nothing In Particular To Recommend Him Discusses All Sorts of Subjects at Random as Though He Knew Everything.
North Dakota:
I’ll run out of states soon, so I’m contemplating “Drainage Ditches Of The Near East,” or perhaps “Garden Gnomes Of The Marianas Islands” as a theme for next week. I’m open to suggestions, of course.
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