Ten Things That Passed Me Right By

In the spirit of yesterday’s post, and to form a more perfect union…

Wait a minute, there’s no union here. Let me think if I can name ten things that I never paid any attention to, that disappeared from prominence before I knew they were important. This list is likely to be defective, as many things come and go of course, and I can’t talk about what I don’t know. Others may still be wildly successful although I figure they’re about as popular as “Maude,” because I’m not paying attention

Maude’s still not on TV, is she?

Anyway, no wagering.

10. Britney Spears
I’m using her for a sort of shorthand for a certain kind of entertainer. They’re all washed up before I ever know what the hell is up with them. By the time I got a look at Britney, she was a doughy matron who dropped her kids occasionally. She was famous for kissing a stringy, even older matron on TV a few years back, but I missed out on that too. Apparently a Back Street Boy also announced he was gay, and was no longer a boy, last week. Insert obvious jokes here.
9. That all meat diet.
It is a testament to the veracity of my professed profound ignorance of things average that I can’t for the life of me remember the name of this diet, although for a while it was more important and far reaching than peanut butter and jelly or potable water ever was. Pass the butter.
8. Survivor.
Trust me when I tell you, the very first person voted off all of those islands was me, by the unanimous vote of me. Not one of those “survivors” could last until noon the first day working for my uncle the mason contractor. The rest is conversation. And not a very interesting one.
7. Star Trek without Kirk
This is also a kind of shorthand. Star Trek had forty five iterations on little and big screen alike. And you can throw Star Wars in here too. It’s all the same. If it didn’t have James T. Kirk humping green chicks while Spock played chess on an etagere and a drunk Scotsman stripping nuts with the wrong wrench on the warp drive, I’m not interested.
6. Titanic
I’m told that this is the most popular movie ever. I never saw it, because from what I know of the persons depicted and the persons that portray them, I’m as likely as not to root for them to be drowned long before any iceberg shows up.
5. Tattoos
When I was young, every third ex-marine had a blurry splotch on their arm that said: “Born To Raise Hell.” They were “Born To Raise Children,” and do precisely what their wives instructed them to do, in my experience. But in their defense, they participated in ritual scarification while part of a gladiatorial organization. What’s the clerk in the Abercrombie and Fitch’s excuse?
4. Metrosexuality
Soap. Head and Shoulders. Baby Powder. Crest. We’re done here.
3. Ringtones
There is a formula that is as important and far reaching as The Theory of Relativity: The importance of any phone call is inversely proportional to the complexity of the ring that announces it.
2. Viagra
I do not understand this substance. I do not understand why everyone who is not from Nigeria, and some who are, wish to sell it to me every day, all day, on the internet. If girls don’t give you erections, try boys; it seems as likely as chemistry to solve your problems.
1. The i-pod
Let me get this straight. I’m supposed to have an enjoyable time with two earwax smeared things jammed in my head, held together with a sort of gossamer dog collar, which allow me to ensure that in all the spare moments the world is not inflicting bad, old rock music on me ambiently, I can inject it directly into my cranium.

For this, as well as all the others, I say: I remain unconvinced.

(UPDATE: Commenter tcd’s internet goes to eleven! She picks out one that absofreakinglutely passed me by:)

11. Watching people play poker on TV.

I can see watching darts on TV, as they’re likely drunk and might accidentally fire one into their opponent, lending a kind of drama to the proceedings. Until they find some way of adding “defense” to poker, it shouldn’t be televised.

Give them all guns. Then I’ll watch.