“Music With Dinner Is an Insult Both to the Cook and the Violinist”: G.K. Chesterton

Every once in a while, I wish we had some money. It’s usually when you encounter something so out-of-the-ordinary that you want to go see it or do it. I ain’t talking about going to Dizzyland or eating in a totally different Olive Garden in another time zone. I mean something rare and wonderful. Like this restaurant in Salzburg, Austria:

OK, so a Mozart dinner concert is pretty neat in and of itself. We love us some Mozart. The musicians and singers seem several cuts above your average house band. But maybe the most piquant detail about the joint is Wolfie himself ate there, or at least had a plate in front of him while he guzzled booze and nuzzled opera singers. Hell, Christopher Columbus ate there. The place has been in constant operation since, no fooling, 803. That is not a typo. Not 1803. Eight-hundred-and-three.

How do we know this? Because Charlemagne’s best buddy Alcuin of York mentioned St. Peter’s Stiftskeller in his notes. It’s named St. Peter’s because it’s inside the walls of St. Peter’s Abbey in Salzburg.

I’ve eaten in restaurants where it seemed like the french fries had been under a heat lamp for 1200 years before they served them to me, but I’ve never heard of a restaurant that old, still in operation, anywhere in the world.

The facility has been expanded since its inception. The hall where they try to saw all the way through the violas was added in 1903, for instance:

So, if we had ridiculous money, we jet off to Salzburg and order the most expensive thing on the menu, probably by accident because my German is very, very rusty. We’d listen to Mozart, maybe sitting in the same chair that Mozart did, although not in the same room, I’ll grant you. I’d look for lots of wine stains to be sure it was the right one. But for the life of me, I don’t know where my wife is going to get an outfit like Mina Harker in the picture there.

Music To Invade Poland By

That’s Marika Rökk. She was a big deal back in ’39 in Germany. That’s got to be one of the greatest death metal names, ever, but alas, all their death metal was riveted into stukas and welded into panzers and whatnot back then.

The video is colorized, which always looks garish and washed out at the same time. But I’m not sure you could get too garish for a big production number like that one. Everyone favored over the top numbers at the time. None other than Goebbels decided that Germany needed the same kind of Busby Berkeley numbers that America enjoyed. Marika fit the bill. The Depression was more or less worldwide, and Germany had been limping along longer than most, so people wanted a dash of swanky stuff as a diversion.

I like to listen to old pieces of music, and to video like this one, and try to put myself in the time and place it was presented. Adapt the mindset of the time to better understand how you’d react to it. Good movies are able to do that, but good movies are a very rare thing. Most movies just have modern people wielding modern mindsets tossed catch-as-catch-can into hoop dresses and drawing rooms. If you watch Amadeus, for instance, you can see a Mozart that acts more like Jimi Hendrix than a court composer of the time. It didn’t have to turn out that way. In the original play, they had real actors who captured the mindset of the times better:

Amadeus won the Best Picture Oscar, if I recall correctly. It was pretty good. I apologize unreservedly for describing anything with a heaping helping of Mozart’s music as “pretty good” in any respect. And I’m not trying to bag on F. Murray Abraham by beating him over the head with Paul Scofield. F. Murray did OK, but Scofield is one of the best actors I’ve ever seen in anything.

But I’ve seen two versions of Amadeus. There was the original version, and a later “Director’s Cut” or some such thing, and it’s a bit of a mess. They nominated the film editors of Amadeus for Oscars, but they didn’t win. After seeing what they took out, and how they made Animal House in Vienna into Amadeus with skillful cutting, I think they should give them some kind of medal or prize or something more substantial than a gold statue. What the first one accomplished, that the longer one didn’t, was an easier way to suspend your disbelief and sit in the audience and listen to Mozart fresh off the quill pen.

So I’d like to put myself in Germany in 1939 and get the same vibe they got from Marika in real time. On second thought, no I don’t.

Working 9 to 5

In some ways, the work that goes on behind the scenes in most forms of entertainment is more interesting and fulfilling than whatever the “talent” is up to. I’d rather own a football team than play on one, too.

I always found bars to be dull unless I was working in them. The most fun I had in the music business was generally after the show was over and we were breaking down the equipment. It was my job to look like I was having fun while I was performing, and I tried to, whether I had a strep throat or a chisel wound in the meat between my thumb and index finger or not. Most applause simply brings a feeling of relief, not elation.

You have to be on top of your game and your craft to be in charge of the stage at the San Francisco Opera, whether you can sing a note or not. There are satisfactions to being invisible.

Obscurity and a competence—that is the life that is best worth living.  -Twain

I’ve Located The Last Page Of The Intertunnel

I named it the Intertunnel, of course. You might call it the Interwebs, or the Hypertubes, or THE AOLs, or whatever. But no matter what you call it, it’s not a place; it’s more like a trip. An Alighierian trip. It starts out innocently, but it doesn’t end up that way — like a double date, or maybe representative democracy.

Maybe you start out a German tenor —August Schramm, let’s say– and there you are, standing up straight and trying to get Mozart up a stump in a concert hall where everyone can get a look at him.

But you can’t leave well enough alone, can you? You get one of those cameras full of pixels and brimstone, and point it at yourself, and upload that badboy to the Intertunnel. Pretty soon you get to poking around on the Interwebs after you watch your own video on YouTube. In no time at all, you’re picking Lady Gaga’s merkin hair out of the Intertunnel’s intellectual shower drain:

There you go, folks. We’re done here. The Intertunnel is finished. Kaput, if August is tuning in. You can turn it off and go outside now. But for God’s sake, don’t press the print button first.

(Thanks, I think, to reader and commenter and correspondent Charles Schneider for sending that one along. I guess. Pretty sure. Maybe. Whatever)

Too Many Notes



Hey, Mozart’s got a new tune out, and it’s got a beat and you can dance to it, I’m tellin’ ya.. He was about ten when he wrote it, so I don’t know about you, but I’m prepared to forgive the hint of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles I picked up in there.

Mozart’s latest. 

Tag: Mozart

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