The Druids

He’d put his finger in the spoke of the wheel and turn it like the rude machinery it was. Drove it like a plow or a trolley or something. The rattletrap Dodge almost brushed the curb as he let the wheel spin back through his fingers. He knew where everything was.

I look down from my naugahyde aerie through the dirty glass at the spot where the granite curbstone meets the spidered pavement, filled with all the dirt and corruption an old city can offer. The winking neon reflects in the little disconnected puddles left from a rainstorm weeks ago. Tonight’s mist hasn’t even made it in here yet; just strikes the spalled bricks up on the floors where gilt letters in the windows announce last generation’s professional men and merchants to no one, then trickles fitfully down to join the re-pulped flyers in the gutters. The sun never shines in the canyons of an old city. The streets are too narrow. And no rain could ever wash it clean. It will be snow soon.

The radio hisses and spits like a viper. There’s towers right down the street, Father says, but the signal can’t fight its way into the slit trench of a road in a little town gone big. He rolls the big chrome knob back and forth until something is intelligible. Catch-as-catch-can is life, he says. The random music and the sonorous voices in the interstices make a jolly soundtrack to the scrolling scene in the passenger-side window.

There are furtive creatures in a city. Like animals at the edge of a clearing. The moonlight draws them out in the woods. God knows what makes a man hang in the doorway here. Collars up; hats down. The women totter on spikes and you can make out the fishnets on their legs from across the street. There’s the blaze of a match and eyes like raccoons at the trash cans, and then the moment passes and the little orange glowing indicator light of the smoker in the dark takes its place. The sidewalk is a galaxy of butts and you wonder if everywhere that is not here is Virginia. The neon signs in the purplish windows have some teeth knocked out, but they remind a man there’s some Tennessee, too.

Father knows the way. That’s the problem. He knows every which way. It’s in his bones and marrow. The city of his birth; and mine. Everything is familiar, and so he often wanders on his way because he can always find his way everywhere from anyplace. He points out buildings gone dark and motions at nothing but air standing in a fetid slot in the brick rows where a building once stood. He murmurs about the where and when and who of them. The buildings do not represent their stated purpose — a friend lived there; some ne’er-do-well there; a man who could perform some service no one wants anymore there. Shave your neck. Hobnail a boot. Take a bet. I realize he is not speaking to me. He is chanting in a church sacked by Druids.

Or we’re the Druids; I don’t know.

Great Moments In Vaguely Disturbing Advertising: Kickin’ It Italian Style

My Italian is kinda sketchy at this point, and the rat-a-tat delivery wasn’t helping, so I gave up and just let it wash over me.

Nothing sells coffee like a deranged Gumby-and-Pokey-class depiction of a concentration camp for coffee beans. Pointing out that the competition’s product will make your heart jump out of your chest is a nice, if subtle touch to end on.

They missed the obvious slogan, though: Have-a HAG bring you your coffee in the morning!

This Is (Still) Sippican’s Place

[Editor’s Note: From 2007. Lots of bad things have happened since then. It’s still Sippican’s Place. Somewhat amazing, really.]

[Author’s Note: Oh shut up and sand something]

 

It’s hard to be Floyd.

I’m Internet Floyd.

It’s hard to explain a Floyd to a non-Floyd. A non-Floyd thinks you’re certifiable if you explain there is no vacation, no Sunday, no insurance subsidized by others, no corporate umbrella to shield you from liability. You’re at the mercy of events so far beyond your control that they might as well be lightning bolts. You could be made penniless overnight by the stroke of a pen in a legislature or a smoldering cigarette butt. It’s not generally a situation where you might fail; you wake up every morning and you’ve already failed –it’s the default setting– and you work all day with your mind and your back and your hands and your prayers to get back to zero so you can go to sleep again.

Why would you be a Floyd, you ask?

So you can hang a sign out front that says: This is Floyd’s Place. It’s really no more complicated than that.

Sales 101 (Now With Fresh Baby Goodness! Act Now! Operators Are Standing By! But Wait, There’s More…)

[Editor’s Note: First offered in 2007]
[Author’s Note: Blogger is refusing to upload any pictures for me today, and I can’t outlast it, I have to go make furniture now, so you get leftovers. New video…I mean advertisement though! And there is no editor.]

Advertising has got to shift.

If you wish to advertise now, you have only one mission. People have got to want to look at the advertisement itself. Nothing else answers. Super Bowl ads are fantastically expensive not because so many people tune in, but because it’s common that many, if not most of the audience, is going to watch the commercials for the entertainment value that’s in them.

I don’t have an opinion one way or another about Evian water. I rarely drink water out of a bottle. When I do, only its temperature and the shape of the spout would matter. There is no important difference from one bottled water to the next unless it is carbonated. Even then it’s pretty much all the same.

All that being said, I can’t imagine that Evian is produced by soulless rapacious oligarchs after watching the following. Even if management had nothing to do with the production of the commercial, if they were heartless people they would have watched the video as a pitch from the ad company and said: That’s sappy. Can’t we have Chuck Norris or Britney Spears or something?

The most creative people in the world work in advertising. Always have. After all, Michelangelo Simoni Buonarroti’s statue of Moses is just an advertisement for the dead Pope Julius, isn’t it?

I imagine the reason why all the greatest visual work you’re ever going to see is advertising of one sort or another is because a person that wants many others to like them or be interested in them hires the most talented persons in the visual and audio arts to make sure it happens. And artists go there to yoke their horses to a cart that’s going somewhere, and has hay for the horse, too. All the frauds are in the art gallery.

I’m pretty sure it happens about the opposite of the common image of advertising for the most part. It’s not the callow businessman ordering the nice artist to fool the public with a hardcore pitch. Really callow businessmen always make their own ads, and appear in them, too, and bark at you to come on down. No, I imagine that the immensely talented artist that wishes he was doing something else sorta edgy brings the businessman his idea for the campaign: “How about a dystopian future, where global warming has desertified the planet and a few tribes of Neo-cavemen battle it out with cudgels in a bone-strewn desert trying to kill one another for the last bottle of Evian?”

There is a short silence and some polite eye-rolling.

“I don’t know…” says the executive. “How about some nice babies?”

Tag: advertising

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