25 Manly Things Every Manly Man Should Know How To Do

I’ve been reading Popular Mechanics again. I checked their back issues, just to be certain, and indeed, men used to work there once upon a time. I think men used to read it, too, not just women who wave it under their boyfriend’s nose while saying, “See, Orlando Bloom can defrag a hardrive while giving a foot massage, what’s your problem?”

I thought that I could help. Lend a hand, like a narcoleptic at a bandsaw, as they say. I am, after all, the Manliest Man on the Intertunnel. I know Lawrence of Arabia once brought a horde of Bedouins out of the Nefud Desert, but I once brought a man out of a wine cellar four times in an hour-and-a-half. Seriously.

Since the Dos Equis guy got ten minutes older and now he’s just another guy in the nursing home, I thought I should step up to the plate and offer the youngsters some guidance on what makes a Manly Man. It’s not enough that they should learn simply from studying Freddie Mercury posters while listening to Black Oak Arkansas records. I mean, that’s pretty manly stuff, and it’s a good start and all, but this is Graduate School for Pheromones, baby. Here’s my 25 Manly Things Every Manly Man Should Know How To Do:

• Parallel park a supertanker
• Gap a spark plug while windsurfing
• Bring a woman to orgasm using only cologne
• Walk into any room, approach the biggest, meanest person there, say nothing, and then punch them in the throat — Bonus points are awarded if there are any adult males in the room.
• Circumcise a Great White Shark — A boat is cheating.
• Eat a flash cube — Remember to punch anyone that asks you what a flash cube is.
• Drink from the skull of your vanquished enemies — If you’re currently battling a squirrel in the attic, it’s more of a shot glass thing.
• Hear the lamentations of their women — That’s why you should always wear hearing protection. Don’t want to miss out on the lamentation because of tinnitus
• Carve a holiday turkey with a chainsaw
• Iron a button-down shirt while you’re wearing it
• Fell a tree
• Tree a feller
• Use a torque wrench to, like, you know, torque things
• Wear a hockey helmet to a board meeting
• Drive a stick shift to drink
• Grow your own lasagna
• Mix concrete in your wife’s blender and get away with it
• Replace a broken windowpane using molten glass
• Know how to treat severe sunburn caused by exposure to the little lightbulb in the refrigerator that holds your beer
• Perform the Heimlich Maneuver on anyone that sneezes
• Give a tick Lyme Disease
• When you’re at work, and there’s a Women’s Studies graduate in the next cubicle, every time you make a mistake loudly declaim: At home I put my wife on top so I can screw up there, too!
• Lose those love handles using a jack plane
• Build a fire in the wilderness using only one match and fourteen gallons of gasoline
• Your mother