You’ve Never Even Met A Man. Stop Writing About Them
I’m getting a lot of people visiting my site because they’re searching on the topic of “things men should be able to do.” They end up here, mostly: 10 Things You Should Be Able To Do If You’re A Handy Homeowner. That one was written in response to Popular Mechanic’s list of indispensable hand skills.
Well, Popular Mechanics has gone back to that well for another drink: 25 Skills Every Man Should Know. Hence people showing up at my doorstep looking for someone dirty. The online pubishing world has figured out that a list of any kind is the way to draw eyeballs. They’ve also figured out that very few living persons has ever even met an actual Man person, the breed having been hunted nearly to extinction, so they can write down any old thing in a bulleted way and sell advertising for Sharper Image in the margins.
Here’s the list. I stole it. How manly:
1. Patch a radiator hose
2. Protect your computer
3. Rescue a boater who as capsized
4. Frame a wall
5. Retouch digital photos
6. Back up a trailer
7. Build a campfire
8. Fix a dead outlet
9. Navigate with a map and compass
10. Use a torque wrench
11. Sharpen a knife
12. Perform CPR
13. Fillet a fish
14. Maneuver a car out of a skid
15. Get a car unstuck
16. Back up data
17. Paint a room
18. Mix concrete
19. Clean a bolt-action rifle
20. Change oil and filter
21. Hook up an HDTV
22. Bleed brakes
23. Paddle a canoe
24. Fix a bike flat
25. Extend your wireless network
Geez. There’s a whiff of delirium tremens about the list, a kind of random weirdness; it’s as if a female martian was describing what she figured a human male would be like, but never having visited our orb, she was just taking a stab at it.
I suppose I’m obligated to tell you I’ve done everything on the list, whether I have or not, because that seems to be the “manly” thing to do. But me? I’m probably not lying. Let’s take any one from the list… let’s see… paint a room?
Heterosexual Eye For The Married Guy
First, Get 200 Gallons Of Paint
Get Busy
Never mind all that. I’m sick of cubicle dwellers waxing philosophical about people like me. The difference between me and the cubicle dwellers is I can do everything on your lists, but I know how to write. Go get a pedicure or something while I post my list:
Sippican’s List Of Everything A Man Should Know:
1. Know how to do whatever the hell you feel like doing
2. Learn how to take your lumps for doing #1
Class dismissed.
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