Alrighty then. We need something to argue about. Politics is out, of course. All smart people always have the same brand of politics. Which one? Smart people never tell.

No, we need to argue about something more substantial than the fenceposts currently serving in government at all levels. I can’t stand the thought of hashing out the usual Star Wars or Star Trek conundrum, or Ginger or Mary Ann sorts of things. I don’t care what color that dress was, either. Let’s squabble about something more substantial. Eyepatches! Which musician wore them best? It’s a meaty topic, fer sure. If you like, you can base your assessments on style alone, or give extra credit for glaucoma or car wrecks or whatever.

We’ll wade right in with Davey “Ziggy” Jones, who may not win in the eyepatch competition, but certainly is rocking the finest mullet. That’s worthy of the NHL in the 90s right there:

Pretty strong entry. I like that the guitar isn’t plugged in. Fake eyepatch, fake strumming, it’s all good. I hope those aren’t his real teeth, though.

Next up, Dead or Alive, doing  their (as far as I know) only hit.  I don’t know much about this band, but I’ll bet the lead singer has heard of David Bowie:

I’m not sure the addition of a textual quality to the eyepatch added much to the whole enchilada.

Let’s move on. We’re fiddling our fingers in the busted chips at the bottom of the Glam Rock bowl with that last one. We need to take it up a couple hundred notches. Bryan Ferry nearly invented Glam Rock. Let’s see how he does:

Now we’re talking. I have no idea what kind of degenerate activity Bryan got up to, probably with those two singers he kidnapped from the airport stewardess lounge, but for once, a mother was right, and he really did put his eye out doing it. The uniform’s nice too. Boy Scout in perdition, with an absinthe merit badge. Gonna be hard to beat.

Back in the USA, we have Kansas, and I mean that both ways:

Poor guy can’t see he has two guitars on. Let’s not mock him. Especially when we can just make fun of the lead singer.

That last one looked too, well, medicinal to be an true image enhancer. But we’ve saved what I think is the best for last. This guy has it all. He’s obviously as dissipated as Ferry could ever hope to be. He’s up for any sort of shenanigans, you can just tell. After all, he used to sing a song titled, When you’re in love with a beautiful woman, it’s hard.

The dude is friends with Shel Silverstein, for criminey’s sake. That means he’s capable of anything. I’m trying to picture the moonshine still explosion or knife fight or gator-wrasslin’ gig that harvested an ojo from the dude. He’s ahead by five lengths in our sweepstakes coming into the home stretch, if you ask me.

Feel free to vote for your favorite in the comments. I’ll keep an eye out for you.