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A Man Who Has Nothing In Particular To Recommend Him Discusses All Sorts of Subjects at Random as Though He Knew Everything

Take Two

[Editor’s Note: After reading the comments appended to yesterday’s essay, I’ve decided to rewrite it. After all, it’s not the readers’ fault it reads like Henry James transcribing Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man into Sanskrit. The fault, dear Sippican, lies not in the Intertunnel, but in your pixels]

I want you to click on the triangular button on the YouTube player and watch the video that is enabled and put into motion by clicking on the triangular symbol on the video I want you to play. That is because I want you  to watch the video. This is what I am wanting.

Please look at the video. Are you looking at it? Look some more, ensuring that you look the hell out of it. Do not unlook at any time. I am telling you this, after embedding this video on a blog I keep where I tell people that I would like them to look at things. I hereby affirm and exclaim that the thing I’m bringing attention to is what I would like for you to pay attention to. Please do. Pay attention to it, I mean.

As you may have gathered, I have also watched the video. I wish to take this opportunity to aver that the man in the video is commendable in every way, and the apparatus he has constructed is useful and interesting. It is good. By “good,” I mean that it is not bad. It is not not good. I like it and it is good. I like the good things about it, and do not dislike the bad things about it because there are no bad things about it.

I would further like to take this opportunity to say that I am refraining utterly from litote, simile, metonymy, analogy, synecdoche, metaphor, paradox, and any other method of amusing juxtaposition of words, concepts, or images that might give off even the aroma of not goodness to these proceedings.

The man did a good thing with his thing there that was good, and I liked the good thing and you should like the good thing too. Because it’s good, and not bad.

Also, any use of the appended video, which I believe you should watch again to see that it’s good once more, will be entirely restricted to proclaiming the essential and uncontrovertible goodness of the good thing made by the good person. I will not intimate that the good thing has any lessons to offer us on the state of the nation and the differing views on the correct allocation of time and resources in the private economy. That would simply detract from saying I like it a lot, in every way a man can like a oblong wooden boxlike structure that he’s not currently occupying below ground.

Of course, I would like to point out that by mentioning, just this once, that the thing in the video is a good thing, made by a good person, no doubt in a state filled with good people, federated with other states filled with good people into a national entity of outstanding probity, industriousness, and benignancy, that I’m not saying I’m entitled to any sort of opinion about it at all. In the past, I have had profit and loss, hire and fire responsibility for 59 million dollars of construction activity in a single calendar year, but of course that doesn’t mean I would have any idea about “carpentry, production, or business.”

But by god, I know good. That thing there is good. I wish I was a better writer, too, so I could think of another word for good.

12 Responses

  1. And this thing, which is a comment about the thing about which you posted on or about yesterday, is meant only to convey my complete confusion over my total mastery of my misunderstanding of the fact that I should have been commenting yesterday.

    Oh, and no act of human endeavor can be extricated from the suckiness of government. There would be nobody left on the internet but us.

  2. This is one reason I homeschool. I taught art at Vacation Bible school this past summer, as I have done the past 18 summers. One day, a "helper" was brought in to "help" me. I set the supplies out, gave the kiddies a short explanation, and then proceeded to let them figure it out. The "helper", a self proclaimed master public school teacher, took over my class and did EXACTLY what you just did. The poor kids didn't know what hit them. And, they just did what they were told. Every. minute. thing. in. order. It was sickening. I say, screw those who cannot understand. It is their loss. Or, maybe they can struggle to understand and learn something!
    (Your rewrite was very funny, btw).

  3. The fact anonymous won't be back by for the man-sized helping of irony is probably a happy circumstance. Illiterate and obnoxious is how they go through life, Son.

  4. "It is not not good. […] I am refraining utterly from litote, simile, metonymy …"

    I see what you did there. And other places within the post.

    Poor fellow, never stood a chance.

  5. In so many ways this post, the content of which I did not watch, reminds me of Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory:

    “This movie baffles me every time we watch it. The instructions are very clear. ‘Don’t feed the gremlins after midnight.’ ‘Don’t get the gremlins wet.’ How hard is that?”

    Or, visually like this,

    which I did watch .

  6. Hey now.

    wHat kinda shinola yew be tryin pull?

    thet theres no ultimate carpenter

    and thet aint no ron paul
    nope, not at all – i seen him close like and knows

    but this fella why he hardly move like them talkin head people and his brother do the same – cain;t hardly tell apart

    thet could be de carpenters ultimate bench, but there be the pink bike and thet fein vacuum sayin no ways,

    and karin carpenter – well she aint sayin.

    but thet fella mus be dune alright -i kin see what thet he's bin eatin ok since his pants n shirt be to tite but mebbe he got a deal on them pants with the 1 short leg

    well talkin dadoes jes to much 2 bar

  7. On a serious note, thanks for dumbing it down and making it PC, so we public school alumni can understand it and feel comfortable with it.

    – Anonymous, but not THAT Anonymous

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