Well, we’ve got a doozy for today’s version of So You Can’t Afford a House. This one’s in Millinocket, Maine. Take a peek:

There’s a 4-bed, 2.5-bath bungalow in there somewhere, behind the sumac and the aluminum siding. I’ll bet you it was a snug, pleasant little place 100 years ago when it was built. It used to have a pleasant porch, I’ll bet, before someone enclosed it to make one more room to watch television in. The jerkinhead roof is kinda neat design touch that was almost popular back then.

Let’s go inside:

These are the only two pictures of this, ahem, gem. So we’re not flying blind, exactly, but we are flying with coke-bottle glasses and a light bulb out. Let’s look at what little evidence is on offer. The exterior shot indicates the building is not currently on fire. That’s one for the plus column, there.

The interior information, while scant, is invaluable. There’s my favorite light fixture, the “landlord’s halo.” The pull chain assures you that you’re getting the real McCoy. The later reproductions have light switches. And this one is the coveted “double halo,” with two, hard to find fluorescent rings that buzz a bit and whisper, “rental property” forevermore. So far, so good. There’s a harvest gold range, in the Les Paul sunburst finish. Very nice. I can picture Carol Merrill standing next to it right now. Of course there are two reefers in there. Another good sign. One for food, the other for eight cases of Natty Ice, with a few sixpacks of White Claw on the door shelves. I don’t want to disappoint any potential buyers, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the walls are not actually covered with solid furniture-grade wood boards.  Just a hunch really. And the Congoleum might need a little more than some Mop & Glo.

There’s scant additional information about the property. It appears to have been turned into a duplex somewhere along the line. You could roll with that, or turn it back into a single family pretty readily, I’ll bet. I would, because finding two sets of people who want to live in Millinocket is a tough ask, as the realtors say. The joint has public water and sewer, so no problems hiding under the lawn to haunt you, but lord knows what you’d find in the basement.

So how much does it cost? Go ahead, guess. I’ll bet you miss. For fun, I plugged the number into LLM Chad and asked it to make a list of things that cost the same amount as this Millinocket marvel. The list was long and amusing, but one entry took the cake. I was so surprised by it, I asked Chad if he was fooling, and to break it down for me:

Yes, a top-tier gaming setup could easily cost around $12,000, depending on the level of customization, brand, and peripherals you choose. Here’s a breakdown of what a high-end, professional gaming setup might include at that price point:

Total Estimate Breakdown:

PC: $5,000 – $6,000

Monitor(s): $1,000 – $2,000

Chair: $500 – $1,000

Keyboard & Mouse: $300 – $500

Audio Gear: $800 – $1,500

VR Setup: $1,000 – $2,000

Streaming Gear: $1,000 – $1,500

Desk & Accessories: $500 – $1,000

Total: Around $12,000 (with some variation depending on brand, features, and customizations).

So I guess the cartoonish diss that you’d rather stay in your mother’s basement in your underwear in a gaming chair covered with Cheeto dust playing Half-Life, than live in your own house could become a real life meme, because this house is only $12,000.

What’s wrong with Millinocket? Well, how much time do you have? It was one of the many towns in Maine that relied on the local paper mill for sustenance, and the paper mill closed in 2008. The town has been hemorrhaging population pretty steadily since 1970, down to its current 4,104 souls. You can find out something about Millinocket by watching American Loggers on Discovery if you want to. I have somehow resisted the urge to do so. I even resisted the urge to have the urge.

If you’re a single guy who is willing to pawn his gaming setup and head off to Penobscot County, you’ll be glad to know the local environment is salubrious enough to produce a Miss Maine winner. Unfortunately, that was in 1966. She may still be around, although she may wear her hair differently nowadays, and be hard to spot.

There’s not much crime in Millinocket. The latest year I could find stats for, 2019, reported 0 murders, 0 rapes, 0 robberies, and 1 assault in the town during the year. People shoplift and break into houses occasionally, so I’d keep an eye on that range in the kitchen if you move there.

So there you go. A house for less than a used car. 18 Birch Street, Millinocket.

Good luck. We’re all counting on you.