Waves of interest wash over the shores of Henry VIII and his bairns from time to time. It’s been mostly grrrl power entertainments lately, especially in the Elizabethan line. They’re a hard pass from me. Hell, Kenneth Branagh, who should know better, made Lizzy’s favorite playwright Shakespeare a drama queen literally, instead of just figuratively, in All Is True, the most obversely named movie I’ve ever encountered. Oh, yes, and it’s Shakespeare’s daughter who has all the talent. Ho hum.

But Henry Tudor the serial marrier is a fascinating topic, and moviemakers and teevee drones circle back to him like dogs to their recycled breakfasts. I think I’ve seen most all of them at one time or another, including old warhorses like The Private Lives of Henry VIII and Young Bess, with Charles Laughton nibbling ably at the Hampton Court scenery.

The latest (for me) assault on the topic was Wolf Hall, a decidedly uneven affair. Hack writer Hilary Mantel uses the same sort of approach to making a well-worn topic fresh that All Is True employs: it’s hard to write well, so I’ll write the polar opposite of well to get attention. I’m sort of staggered by the attempt in Wolf Hall to make Thomas Cromwell the saintly hero of the piece, and a sex machine to boot, and Thomas More the villain among a gaggle of villains. That’s quite a hill to die on after Robert Bolt has been on the case.

You can tell it’s a female take on the subject, because Tommy Cromwell is simply pursuing the deaths of umpteen men and women in a fit of pique over an oblique insult. Mark Rylance brings something fresh to the proceedings, and his subdued, nearly catatonic delivery suits the position of a court drone, scribbling away furiously and courting favor to make his way into the world of the beautiful people.  He’s supposed to be smarter than all of them, of course. But then again, the captain of the football team never cares much if you got an A in algebra. He might eventually hire you to do algebra things he can’t be bothered with, but you’re never going to be on the team.

But it’s the portrayal of Hank in Wolf Hall that really bugs me. A skinny, slopeshouldered mopey  Henry, alternatingly whispering and mumbling, goes beyond the beyonds in dramaturgy about a real person we know something about. One who looks like he’s still yelling in oil paintings of him.

So, who did it better? Who made Harry into the force onscreen that he was in real life? Let’s count down the top three, shall we?

3. Richard Burton in Anne of a Thousand Days

It was 1969, and if you needed someone to roar onscreen, Burton was your man. Peter O’Toole could yell with the best of them, but Burton could outsnarl anybody. Henry, the eighth of that name, was reportedly a charismatic dude, in addition to reminding people who was in charge by shortening them a bit when they blotted their copybooks. Burton showed an excellent hail fellow well met side to his Henry with his entourage, backslapping and joshing with everybody, but he’d turn on a dime if you crossed him.

Anne the three-year wonder has many of the usual suspects in the cast. Anthony Quayle is miscast as Wolseley, but does his best. Michael Hordern, as daddy Boleyn, steals a few scenes while selling his daughters down the Thames River. Genevieve Bujold, as Anne, gives as good as she gets, and holds her own while locked in the Panavision tiger cage with Burton, which isn’t easy. John Colicos, who was both a Klingon and a Cylon butt-buddy at one time or another, plays about the creepiest Thomas Cromwell ever.

2. Robert Shaw in A Man for All Seasons

A Man for All Seasons was a big hit in 1966. It won six Oscars, including Best Picture, screenplay, Best Actor for Paul Scofield, and it made fifteen times its production cost. The cast was uniformly excellent, and Wendy Hiller as Alice More and Robert Shaw as Hal were nominated for two more Oscars, but I guess they got tired of handing statues to good British actors and gave one to Walter Matthau, of all people, instead.

Shaw would seem to be an odd choice to play Henry, but it paid off. He showed the mercurial nature of Henry to a tee, playing the clown, the friend, the statesman, and the bully, sometimes all in the same breath. You can see Scofield’s More trying to say as little as possible, because he knew to slip up meant a hatchet haircut. It’s funny, but the clip shows Shaw raging a bit, and then calming down, trying to find the right key to More’s lock. Right after the byplay shown in the clip, Henry loses his shit completely, and they hear him two zip codes over. Scofield either acts stunned, or maybe was actually stunned, by Shaw’s outburst. That’s a Henry we can get behind. Mostly because it’s not safe to be in front of him.

1. Keith Michell in the Six Wives of Henry the Eighth

Keith Michell played young Henry, middle aged Henry, and old Henry in this six-part TV series, and was completely believable as all of them. The series is somewhat uneven, since each episode was written by a different playwright. But the unevenness only spans from good to great.It’s basically a stage play, but then again, so was A Man for All Seasons. The TV budget sets and costumes don’t distract you from the action, which is mostly of the two heads talking variety.

Michell was an unusual choice to play Henry. He styled himself a song and dance man, and there are excruciating videos of him singing things like Mack the Knife with Julie Andrews extant on the internet. He does the bowler hat and cane thing and lumbers about like Herman Munster. Who knew his potential to appear larger than life? Someone did, and he delivered the Henry all others should be measured by.

You can vote for your favorite Henry in the comments, but please, no wagering.