I was getting a little down in the mouth. Low. Put-upon. Weary. But then the Maslach Burnout Inventory hove into view, and made my day a little brighter. It’s based on information from the World Health Organization, so you just know it’s rock solid stuff. They’re batting something like a thousand lately, if my memory doesn’t fail me. Or if my memory doesn’t fail me. I imagine since they’ve cured all the other diseases, they have time to worry if you have too many Post-it notes spangling the frame on your computer monitor.

Now, don’t get me wrong. The test didn’t improve my life one whit. If you’re younger, you may not know that a whit is 3/117ths of a cubit. Never mind that. If you’re feeling Eeoyore-ish, and work has got you down, you’ve just got to put down your iPhone and pick up your pencil and take the test. I did it online, and I feel ever so much better.

I dutifully started filling out the forms.  It interrupted me halfway through, and informed me that based on my answers so far, I was an angry mob, and each of us should put down the pitchforks and take the test separately. I assured the imaginary docent that it was just me and the cat in the room, and the cat was pretty mellow except at 7:08 every morning when the bowls are still empty.

I toted up my score, and the little “Scoring Results — Interpretation” section at the end cheered me right up. According to the test, I was legally entitled to commit a three-state killing spree to relax and unwind at the end of a long day. I was “past tense,” if you know what I mean. Your mileage may vary. Your job description might be different than mine. You might only be entitled to mutter imprecations under your breath when the HR lady waddles by.

To give you some idea of the questions, here’s the first of three sections:

If you’re having trouble, I’ll coach you through it. See? Many hands make light work. Your day is brightening already. You’re welcome in advance.

• I feel emotionally drained by my work — This just means the test was written by a woman. Men don’t talk like that. They say things like, “Urge to kill rising” when asked to put a cover sheet on the TPS reports for the third time in three hours.
• Working with people all day long requires a great deal of effort — You need to put things in perspective, here, to fill in the answer correctly. For instance, if you’re a lion tamer at the circus, you might find dealing with people all day more restful than your leonine charges, especially if you can goad the lions a bit when any sales weasels comes into range.
• I feel like my work is breaking me down — This is how you know this test is by and for cubicle jockeys. I’ve known many bricklayers, for instance. They don’t look at each other and say, “I feel like my work is breaking me down.” They go home and fall asleep in their dirty clothes in the reclining chair after making oooph and ugghhh noises while sitting down. Their X-rays say that their work is breaking them down. Surveys not necessary.
• I feel I work too hard at my job — There’s a layup for you. Everyone thinks that. I’m sure even Salma Hayek’s brassiere fitter would say something like that. Then again, he’d be sorta right, but not accurate.
• It stresses me too much to work in direct contact with people — Well, I have no idea who exactly reads this blog, so you could be a prostitute. Answer the question and leave me out of it.
• I feel like I’m at the end of my rope — If I’m not dancing at the end of my rope, I’d count myself lucky. You should too.

There’s a couple more sections for you to fill out. I’d help you through them, but working with people all day long requires a great deal of effort. Damn. Anybody got an eraser? I gotta fix the second answer.

Take the whole Maslach Burnout Inventory here.