Well, it’s snowing. Luckily for us, it’s only snowed once this year. Snowing continuously from January 2nd until tonight is still just once, right? It should stop before noon on Father’s Day so we can have a barbecue, so it’s no biggie, really.
It’s hard to while away the hours between chipping the ice off the seat in the privy in the morning and putting the cat out at night for the seven seconds of outdoor time he requires daily. In between, we like to peruse the Rumford Meteor for all the week’s events up here in the Pine Street State. Er, I meant Pine Tree State. It’s nice to sit by the stove and feed in the pellets while munching on the ones that get stuck in the auger. They’re like miniature pretzel rods. Anyhoo, here’s the best headlines from the Meteor, so you can learn why the slogan on Maine’s highway sign used to read The Way Life Should Be, before all the shotgun blasts from passing hunters turned it into “The Waif hole” with an interesting kerning structure.
To my eye, the writers of the stories on the Meteor have done a fair job of gussying up the news so it won’t hurt any feelings — like telling a man that his wife is purdy and his kids are smart, even though his wife was thrown out of the roller derby for leaving grooves in the hardwood floor, and his kids lick the bus windows on the way to the learning center, which is what I gather they call school if the kids consume more crayons than reading material. After all that work by the staff, the headline writer goes and ruins the effect by blurting out the truth like a frostback Forrest Gump or something. That’s a hamfisted way to run a paper, but it’s all we got until the dogsled brings the serum and last year’s Globe to replenish the privy nail. Enjoy!
Brian Williams Taking Time Off to Look for the Blue Max NATO Gave Him for Shooting Down Bin Laden
Last Four Copies of the Magna Carta Displayed to the Last Four People in London Not Named Patel
Tom Brady Casually Mentions To Roger Goodell That There’s Always the Same Amount of Air in the Goddamned Trophy
Maine to Receive Yet Another Foot of Snow. Meteorologists Wonder How This Might Affect New York City
Portland Cited Among Top Cities for Gay Traveling. Critics Say They Should Be Required to Dribble the Ball Every Two Steps Just Like Everyone Else
Authorities Rush to Scene of School Bus and Log Truck Crash to Make Sure All the Apple Laptops Are OK
Lincoln County Historical Association Trying To Figure Out Where To Display A Signed Devo Concert Poster
April Is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. If You’re Unaware You’re Being Sexually Assaulted, Maybe You Should Lose Some Weight
Hollywood Casino Revenue Dips When A Guy Pays His Rent Instead
College Starts Sustainable Agriculture Farm On The Site Of A Sustainable Organic Dairy Farm That Went Out Of Business
Many more at the Rumford Meteor
Update! I just checked the weather report. Hmmm. Al Gore must be in town. Ah, well, that’s the beauty of Maine. It’s reliable: