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A Man Who Has Nothing In Particular To Recommend Him Discusses All Sorts of Subjects at Random as Though He Knew Everything

Top Ten Recent Headlines From The Rumford Meteor

Do you read the Rumford Meteor? There’s no information highway in Maine yet, or the Meteor would certainly qualify as a sketchy rest area on it. For now, it’s more like a vital cog in the cog railway of Maine information.

Maine doesn’t have the infrastructure for an information highway yet. I don’t even know what infrastructure is, truth be told. I’m pretty sure those are infrared lamps hanging over the stainless steel structure they erect between the greasy kitchen and the corral where they keep the greasy teenagers in ill-fitting uniforms at the McDonalds. Maybe it has something to do with that. I have found that the stalwart clerks in paper hats aren’t really fonts of information, and are unable to make change, so I’m not sure the correlation holds water. It’s something to ponder while you scald your wedding vegetables with their coffee, though. 

At any rate, Jeezum Crow, you can’t develop a feeling for the flavor of life in Maine without referring to the Meteor, probably because it’s winter ten months out of twelve, and all frozen things taste pretty much the same. You need the Meteor to Mainesplain it to you. Here are my Top Ten recent headlines from The Rumford Meteor:

  1. Livermore Falls Teacher Feels He’s Achieved The Perfect Blend Of Chaotic Visual Distractions And Incomprehensible Seating Arrangements (link)
  2. Center For Maine Contemporary Art Worried That Their New Gallery Might Not Be Ugly Enough (link)
  3. Local Theremin Player Has Reasonable Backstage Demands (link)
  4. Fourth-Generation Trombonist Stood Out Early On The Playground, Because He Couldn’t Swing And Got Stuck On The Slide (link)
  5. Town Planner Didn’t See Calls For His Resignation Coming, Which Explains A Lot (link)
  6. Selectman Can Totally Tell Man With Arms Crossed Ain’t Buying It (link)
  7. York Marijuana Activists Promise To Deliver Petition To Town Clerk Or The First Convenient Store On The Way That Sells Funyuns (link)
  8. Explorers Discover Primitive And Superstitious Tribespeople Who Believe That Dousing Themselves With Water Will Cure Diseases (link)
  9. South Portland Votes To Ban Tar Sands Oil Unless It’s Distributed For Free In Clean Syringes (link)
  10. Jenny McCarthy Reportedly Worried That Ebola Might Give Her Kids More Autism (link)

So remember people, if you want news straight from the seat of Oxford County, read the Rumford Meteor.

2 Responses

  1. Center For Maine Contemporary Art Worried That Their New Gallery Might Not Be Ugly Enough

    From the link:
    Designed by architect Toshiko Mori, the new building will include an open-air courtyard, large windows that will capture north-facing light..

    NORTH-facing light? In northern New England? That will go over really well in the winter time, which has a LOT of north-facing light compared to the south. Yeah, right.

    This is not the first stupid architect or builder to hit New England. A big construction guy in my home town in NE had a solar heated house built for himself- with the solar windows on the NORTH. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

    You don't have to be a rocket scientist to observe that if you want to capture light in the winter, you use windows on the south side. At least in the northern hemisphere.

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