If you’re not up on your Intermemes, go here: Lip-Synching This Song Is Like Buying Flowers For Your Sex Doll
Call ahead and find out if the brass rail two for one ladies night well drinks half off sound of Philadelphia quadrophonic SalSoul four on the floor raise the roof Chevy van thumb and slap bass Eurotrash Qiana shirt leisure suit wonderland fern bar is open.
There was a time.
Hello, and welcome aboard. Please note important safety features for this vehicle, the James Brown Pan-Galactic Low-rider VistaCruiser.
There are no exits aboard this conveyance but one. None towards the front on either side, none before the wings on either side, none over the wings on either side, none behind the wings on either side, none at the rear of the freight train on either side and even fewer in the center of the upper deck on either side. We have done away with these exits because there is no salvation but one, which is directly through the middle of the stage. Please pay close attention to the guardian of this exit, as he’s so high, you can’t get over him; so low, you can’t get under him; and so wide, you can’t get around him. Don’t worry; each of the other performers has a safety slide dance step that will automatically deploy when The GFOS lamp is lit, and begins to smoke.
We recommend that you count how many seats you are away from this exit, as it will help you to determine just how cool you are. The first four rows should don your radiation suits and put on your sunglasses. In the rare case of an emergency there are lights on the outsides of the aisles to help you find a place to dance; also there are flashing lights and horn flourishes to signal the danger of an upcoming blast of turbulence. In the rare event of a loss of cabin pressure James Brown will drop down from the overhead compartment. Cup your hands over your mouth area like the flight attendant is doing now and yell please, please, please if you feel breathless.
Please ensure your high heel sneakers are secured and Sippican Cottage recommends that you have your seat in your pants and your feet on the floor throughout the flight. There are also single-breasted double-vented sharkskin life jackets and spanish heeled shoes under your seats in case of an emcee emergency.
We thank you for flying James Brown today. We hope you enjoy your flight. Now get up offa that thing, and dance ’til you feel betta.
I useta play in an R and B band in Simi Valley and the singer would put a quart of vodka in the freezer and then drink it and we’d play Treat Her Right and a buncha other gutbucket stuff and then we’d throw up and go home.
Remember, kids: do the show.
I’m not sure I can explain the appeal, exactly. It’s manifestly appealing, of course, but it’s the explainin’ that’s hard. Why do these rude little nonsense adult nursery rhymes have the allure they do?
That’s Junior Walker and the All-Stars. When all of my friends were listening to Aerosmith records, I was listening to Junior Walker.
I learned to play bass guitar from my older brother. It took two hours. I’ve forgotten some of what he taught me during that two hours. It’s still enough. He explained the difference between James Brown and the Beatles: The Beatles are a chord, James Brown is a scale. A minor pentatonic scale, generally, if you’re interested. The Beatles are a piano. James Brown is a drumset. Ten days later I was playing for money in a nightclub. Shotgun. Junior Walker is a scale, too.
A magnificent, rhythmic, hypnotic, urgent, swinging, insistent, soul-shaking, hypersexual, sensuous, clanging scale. The go-go dancers are fine by me, too.
His real name is Autry De Walt Junior. Heh.
I survived 1976. Nothing frightens me anymore.