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A Man Who Has Nothing In Particular To Recommend Him Discusses All Sorts of Subjects at Random as Though He Knew Everything

Apparently, My Children Have Recorded The Second Best Version Of The Theme From Mondo Cane (More)

I often tell my children, who call themselves Unorganized Hancock when they’re performing music, that there’s no shame in being Number Two. Over the years the Sippican tribe has often been referred to as Number Two, by many people, and in many different fields of endeavor. It’s colored our outlook on life. People respect us because we’re Number Two, in a much more fundamental way than if we were Number One or something. I’ve often heard people caution others, “Look out, don’t step on number two,” which is a sure sign of respect, bordering on fear.

Anyway, when the Heir and the Spare recorded the Theme From Mondo Cane (More), I told them that was the most Number Two sounding thing I’d ever heard. I mean, it sounded like pure Number Two to my ear. It was that good. Bobby Darin was Number One with that song, so there’s no shame in immediately being called Number Two, kids. He’s dead, but he’s still good. I got to poking around on these here Intertunnels, making sure there weren’t any rivals for the Number Two title. I saw Frank Sinostril doing it, but even Nelson Riddle fell asleep halfway through that one. There was some sort of Portuguese fellow doing seventy-five versions of it, and I loved the way he seemed to exude his own hair gel, like a Lakers coach or something, but he’d have to get a lot better to reach the coveted Number Two echelon. Judy Garland did it back when she was still having an eyebrow pencil war with Joan Crawford to see who could influence drag shows in Provincetown, Mass. the most, but it seemed decidedly third-ish to my ear.

Then I found these two stalwart gentlemen, who knocked it right out of the park. It was a foul ball, but it cleared the fence. I think the trumpet turned blue because it’s holding its breath trying not to let any air out of the bell, but other than that, the production values are very high. I’ve suggested to my wife that we buy some of that furniture with mirrors where the wood is supposed to go, so that when the kids record videos in the dining room like these guys do, we can get a better look at the Number Two process while it’s happening. 

Anyway, we hope we are a magnanimous tribe, we Sippicans. We like to show courtesy to others. So it’s our pleasure to, for just one day, bestow this version of The Theme from Mondo Cane (More) with the honorary title of Number Two. It’s so very Number Two.

5 Responses

  1. Wow.

    The satisfied thumb up by the trumpeter at the end made the whole thing sheer perfection.

    The only thing that could make it better, I think, is if the landlord from the Big Lebowski added an interpretive dance.

  2. Yikes!! If that is considered number 2 category material, I and my musical talent are closer to the top than I ever thought.
    Since you are quitting the furniture business, I assume you have a viable backup plan to keep the heat on this winter. Whatever it is, I hope it is successful and the heirs can keep their gigs going for as long as my Sippican furniture lasts, which looks like it might be forever!!! Merry Christmas to you and yours, and a prosperous new year!

  3. Man, that horn player is like the Rock of Gibraltar. He didn't let the crooner knock him off his line at all. For your information, which stands for FYI, the blue colored horn is a mock trumpet (non-lethal). Not to be confused with the real thing, all lethal brass and other shiny metal like Fats Navarro used.
    I had a real close look at the mirrors, even playing the vid sixteen times to confirm: they are not true reflective surfaces in synch with elapsing time. They lag the reality displayed in front of them, out of phase some seven anna haff degrees.

    Sipp, your kids would be annihilated by them in a battle of the bands. They need to get a lot crummier if they want to compete. An accordion would help. Not dissing you Johnny, I dig Frank Yankovic too. And this soulful rendition of an R. L. Burnside tune:

  4. I replay this early in the morning with my first cup of java. Usually have to put my cup down toward the middle. It is perfection!

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