Knowing that my regular readers are curious about my current circumstances, and probably eager to finally get a glimpse of ol’ Sippican, it occurred to me to save time for everyone by reprinting a copy of my recent interview in Hovels and Shovels magazine. The publisher has graciously agreed to let me reprint it here by not returning my emails, texts, phone calls, and one registered letter; and by turning off the lights when he saw me pull into his dooryard last night.
A subscription to Hovels and Shovels comes free with every fill-up at the West Paris McDonald’s recycled grease tractor-fuel depot, or you can find it at news stands everywhere in the New Sweden area. Besides this stunning 3 x 5 glossy print of me relaxing between tantric stump grinding sessions, there’s a centerfold picture of June Lockhart in her Reynold’s Wrap jumpsuit from Lost In Space in there, too. Hubba hubba. Enjoy:
Catching Up With Sippican: The Man, The Myth, The Man Some More
Hovels and Shovels: Thanks for taking time out from your grueling schedule to speak with us. We’re curious. Why the compression bandage on your right knee?
Sippican: It’s an old candlepin bowling injury. It acts up on me when I genuflect. It also signals the coming of winter and tax bills.
H&S: Taxes and winter. Are those two things related somehow?
Sippican: Well, the tax bills last all year. Winter is only eleven months long, so I don’t see the connection.
H&S: I see. On to another topic, your neighbors say you’re a very spiritual man.
Sippican: It’s a damn lie. I drink as much Allen’s Coffee Brandy as the next fellow, but I haven’t been up in front of a judge in almost a fortnight.
H&S: I see. Do you have a favorite Allen’s Coffee Brandy cocktail?
Sippican: Well, there’s the Lewiston Martini. That’s coffee brandy and milk. I’m partial to the Burnt Trailer, myself.
H&S: What’s that?
Sippican: Coffee brandy and Moxie.
H&S: What’s it taste like?
Sippican: I don’t know. No one can ever remember. I imagine it tastes like a Welfare Mom.
H&S: What’s that?
Sippican: Coffee brandy and Diet Moxie.
H&S: Let’s move on.
Sippican: Last time I was told to move on, I ended up in Maine.
H&S: Change the subject, I mean.
Sippican: You’re the doctor.
H&S: It’s currently four below zero. You’re wearing shorts.
Sippican: Yes, but not to worry; they’re lined.
H&S: With what?
H&S: Is that an LL Bean hammock?
Sippican: Never heard of him.
H&S: You never heard of LL Bean?
Sippican: I don’t care for your tone, young lady. Ask him if he’s heard of me. If he says yes, you can call me a liar, but not before.
H&S: Are those tribal tattoos?
Sippican: I get that question a lot, especially when I’m being frisked. No, my mom used to buy all my clothes at Marden’s, and I accidentally put on one of my shirts when it was still a little wet. It’s been fourteen years, but it’s starting to fade a bit, I think.
H&S: That’s an interesting book you’re reading. Translating the Word of God.
Sippican: Well, I used to guest-post on God’s blog, and I wanted to make sure this Beekman fellow didn’t take any liberties.
H&S: God has a blog?
Sippican: Yeah, but it’s on Weebly, so pretty much no one reads it.
H&S: What’s on God’s blog?
Sippican: Recipes, mostly.
H&S: Thanks for taking time from your busy schedule to talk to us.
Sippican: You got any jumper cables?