My Intertunnel friend Gagdad Bob over at One Cosmos has opened up a can of worms. He’s pointed out there was more than one M. Jackson, now dead and gone, that was a talented singer and electrifying performer; and it’s a shame that the washed-up weirdo Jackson with the chimp and the glove and the tupperware nose gets all the pub, instead of the sublime Mahalia.

So far, so good. But there are great Manichaean questions presented to every red-blooded American every day — Ginger or Mary Ann; Disney or Warner Brothers; Coke or Pepsi; Red Sox or Yankees; Moe or Curly; Ford or Chevy; Bailey Quarters or Jennifer Marlowe; Apple or PC; Samantha or Jeannie, Jefferson or Hamilton… well, will you listen to me ramble. You guys know the big questions. But the king… er…queen of all these conundrums is: Mahalia Jackson or Sister Rosetta Tharpe?

Well, of course it was over even before Sister Rosetta started blazing away on the Gibson SG, which was kinda like spiking the football in the end zone after a really easy score. This immediately becomes one of life’s great mysteries, however, as we all know that Fender Strats beat Gibson anythings.

If you’re one of the benighted people that answer Ginger, Disney, Pepsi, Yankees, Moe, Chevy, Jennifer, Apple, Jeannie, Jefferson, and Mahalia, I’m not sure I can be seen with you, but I promise I will pray for your corroded soul.

If you answered Mrs. Howell, Hanna-Barbera, RC Cola, the Pittsburgh Pirates, Larry Fine, Dodge, Ubuntu, The Flying Nun, and Aaron Burr, I feel only pity; there is no need to actively oppose you.

If you mention Shemp or Bachman-Turner Overdrive anywhere in there, I’m going to come looking for you, and not with opera glasses.

Oh — Ginger or Mary-Ann? Trick question. We all know it’s Elly Mae Clampett.