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A Man Who Has Nothing In Particular To Recommend Him Discusses All Sorts of Subjects at Random as Though He Knew Everything

Microsoft = Lame

Microsoft is lame.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing I dread more than clicking on anything and seeing the little apple icon, or god forbid, accidentally launching a pdf. If you read anything on the Internet, Ron Paul is going to be president, Linux is the default operating system, and “Microsoft anything” is the devil. Out in the real world where stuff gets done, you never see anything but the devil.

But Microsoft’s lameness is legendary, and it’s very real. It’s a showbiz venue, the tech biz is, and they’re Shecky Green to the other tech company’s Lenny Bruce. I don’t know why they don’t embrace it. I don’t care whether you like the Apple commercials or not, but if you’re the interviewer for any job in the real world you’d hire the guy on the left every time.

Now Microsoft is tired of being lame. They announce that they’re making a push to be hip. But once a Bodine, always a Bodine. Lame people are lame because they are lame. Hip is superficial, but lame goes right to the bone. If you’re a dork, you unerringly pick out the worst thing in any array. You’re in an Armani store, and your mom (snicker)tells you to pick out anything you want, and you find a Members Only jacket. You can’t help yourself.

I can just see the meeting where the nerds at Microsoft say: We’ve got to get hip! That Seinfeld show is just the bees knees!

To paraphrase George Costanza, Seinfeld is just an old man sending soup back at a deli at this point.

A million years ago, in Internet years, anyway, Microsoft had the best commercial on television. Beautiful, a little strange, engaging. Remember Bill Plympton?

Kliban’s dead. Hire Plympton again, you dorks. Seinfeld will be too busy playing shows at the Melody Tent for retirees to make your commercials much longer, anyway.

14 Responses

  1. As mentioned a number of times in the past, I love your blog. You should know that I read it on an Apple MacBook Pro. And I live in the real world. :^) I also agree completely with you on your critique of that Seinfeld/Gates commercial. It’s a pretty good representation of the last gasp of “brand” advertising – wherein some “entertaing” hooey is overlaid on your product or service to create some mysterious connection between you and said product. Whether you like them or not, Apple computers do have a physically different operating system. If you don’t like it, that’s fine. What Jerry ‘n’ BIll have to do with convincing potential Vista users to use it is beyond me. And I work in advertising.
    p.s. Thanks for the Squeeze reference.

  2. Dear Sir,

    You are of course exactly correct. Not always of course, but certainly more so than the average bear.

    My sense is that this is small potatoes. Operating systems are the core of Microsoft’s business but their Office Suite provides significant revenues. This is their greatest are of vulnerability. With the emergence of free, and to my mind superior, products they face real competition. The “trash can” and single button mouse are so 60’s.


  3. Plymptoons!

    No, but seriously, Microsoft sucks.

    Without an unending stream of revenue to sustain them through their various bad decisions and bad code, they’d be a minor footnote. Unethical practices help, too.

    Fortunately, it doesn’t matter too much in the scheme of things. Tech moves fast and you can’t control it all, no matter how much money you have.

  4. I’m a software developer/architect, which means I, like you, create functional and (hopefully) beautiful products that many people will use and enjoy for years.

    The difference between us, other than software, is that you take wood (raw material) and work it with tools to create your work.

    As a developer, I don’t have the convenience of wood. You could stretch it and say that requirements are the wood, but requirements are never stable. Could you make a table out of a piece of wood that starts out as a board and, halfway along, turns into a dowel?

    As a developer, what allows us to produce our work is our tools. Our tools start at the compiler and pass through the integrated development environment and end somewhere around a 12k application that makes it very simple to test regular expressions. That’s all we have, our tools.

    While Microsoft may be uncool, from the vantage point of the developer, they are the shiznit. No other platform or company works so hard to make it easy for developers to create applications. If you’ve ever seen that “DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS!” clip, it’s not just corporate hype. Its the honest-to-goodness truth. And its also the reason why Microsoft will continue to dominate software for years to come. They are the master toolmakers that make the developer’s job easy.

  5. Wow, that’s pretty insulting, Will.

    Someone disagrees with you and you call them a troll?

    Look, I respect that that’s how you make your living. I don’t have to agree with you about the tools or the market, and I don’t.

    Simple as that. You suppose Sip demands that all makers of furniture use his preference of woods and tools, else be labeled a troll?

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